the first trimester, for the last time

Its always been four.
Well, maybe five before I met Drew.
But after we married, its always been four.

And so, four is here.
With a bit of intervention, a bit of anticipation and even some anxiety, four is on its way.

I have all sorts of feelings about this pregnancy, some complex, some more pure in intention. I'm working to savor the moments that are so special, because they will never happen again. At the same time, this pregnancy has been rough, the morning sickness (all day and night nausea) was intense and unforgiving. It started on our last day in Maine, which was a bummer, because I'll only ever think of that trip now with a faint feeling of wanting to vomit in the back of my throat. I have nearly the same feeling about Disney world because that is where I started to get really sick with Eden too (although that has faded a bit). I've never been so intensely sick and overwhelmed with nausea. I could not really function. This is the first time for that level of disability. I've never seen my work slide as a function of pregnancy and this time it certainly did. This time I could barely keep my head above water. I'm so thankful for my colleagues who were supportive and helpful as I struggled through each day.

This intense nausea and sheer exhaustion has only recently loosened up to be more like an annoyance and less debilitating. But, I know greet overwhelming heartburn each day, so it seems like, one in, one out. The first trimester I spent so much time feeling horrible that I didn't find much space to appreciate any of it. I just wanted to clear the hurdle and be done with the sickness. I kept waiting for it, but 14 weeks later, its still not exactly better.

The things though was that I found a way to coexist with it, and toward the end of the first trimester I couldn't help but face up to all the other emotions stewing. I know that I should be hanging on to these moments, but I wanted nothing to do with all of the awful somatic symptoms. At the same time, miscarriage anxiety was running rampant, every doctor's appt was met with a pessimistic view that things might not be okay and each time I saw that little heartbeat I was relieved. That anxiety still grips me though.

At the same time, the time is flying by and I already wonder how all will get done, all the things at home, all the tasks for a new baby and all the work that is required in my job. I know it will get done, it always does, but that stress is foreboding. Bringing Eden into our lives was fairly easy, and we were certainly surprised by how lucky we were to adjust so well, but making sure all three of my children have all the things they need at the same time is sometimes a challenge between classes, music and speech for Eden, music lessons for the boys, Karate for Collin, boy scouts and other events we are constantly going, and of course, baby four will only add to the chaos.

All of this is compounded by thinking about post-partum depression. I was fortunate not to have it with Collin or Eden, but I certainly had it, and ignored it with Owen. Two babies, at that moment, one at 18 months and a newborn was more than I should have taken on alone, and now, with the circumstances ripe for a similar moment in our lives (Eden will be 2 when baby 4 is born) I worry again about that possibility and being more proactive about remedying it.

And so, all of these things come together. Moments of joy, like the day we were able to see the baby waving about during the first trimester screening ultrasound, with days that I wonder how on earth will we do this? Of course, it was all part of the plan, and if not anything else, I follow through with the thoughtful and intentional plans we've made in our lives. There are so many reasons we are excited and grateful for baby 4. At the same time, there are so many moments that make me flooded with anxiety about whats ahead, and together it makes for a complex set of feelings that leaves its mark on the first trimester.

As things get easier, I hope to watch these anxieties fade and gain new confidence in where we are headed, but i this moment, the first trimester, for the last time, is all the feelings, all at once.