The last pregnancy

This time.
Is the last time.
Which makes it the best and worst all at the same time.

Sigh.

I don't think I'll miss being pregnant. I won't miss the misery of being intensely sick or the worry for all the things that could go wrong. I won't want to return the days of miscarriages or lost hope. I won't lament taking all of the fertility drugs, and clinically tracking things that should not be tracked in a regular person's routine. Those are hard parts to hang on to.

But I will miss the feeling of kicks and flips, the second trimester happiness that comes with anticipating new life, the glee associated with meeting a new little person, picking out a new nursery, preparing all things great asn small, and the love that comes from knowing they are one more manifestation of the love in our family.

So we're on this journey, for the fourth and final time. I feel intensely content is saying our family of six is complete, or at least will be, when this baby makes their appearance.

I'm entwined in the bittersweet realization that there we be no more. No more first steps, no more first smiles, no more diapers, no my tiny squeals of delight after this round. I feel obligated to savor each moment longer, but as a fourth, its clear that we have so much less time to focus on those things with three other small humans also trying to be successful in this world.

Nevertheless, we'll persist. We'll persist in trying to see each moment for its lasting impression on development, to not rush even a tiny bit of it and to welcome each stage as we simultaneously bid farewell to the last.

This time, the emotions are more raw, and the excitement, while so present, is mixed so much with these realizations that I can only capture this journey in a way that is entirely different from the others.

We are excited to meet you sweet baby Hollman 4.
We can't wait to learn about who you are and what you will become.
And I'll likely shed a few tears for all the last moments I have, as we await your arrival and as we watch you grow. You are perfectly special that way, and forever loved for closing this chapter in our lives.