Eden at 18 months

One and a half years. Quite possibly my favorite age. The world is your oyster, sweet Eden. I adore seeing you explore it.

At 18 months the world is changing before your eyes- things are more attainable, more exciting, and more adventurous. This month you've moved on to booster seats only (thank-you-very-much!, no more high chair!), putting yourself to sleep now consistently at night without being rocked (which I already miss) and showing us so much of your compassion by taking care of your baby dolls. Its been so much fun to watch you blossom and I can't wait to see where we go next. You adore being outside and constantly want to get your coat and snow pants on to go outside. I'm glad we've shared our love of outdoors genes with you and that you enjoy it as much as the rest of us, even though you are rather toddly and seem to be overwhelmed by your big boots.


When eating you think you are so much bigger in the booster seat, and so happy to be right next to your brothers at the counter. We catch you climbing on the stools all the time and I'm constantly on alert you'll lose your balance and fall over.  You are so persistent about doing up the buckles in your booster seat and your independence is starting to shine, as you don't really want us to help you with it anymore.


Your language skills are slowly and steadily coming along. This month your words have about doubled- you now say: mama, dada, nana, papa, up (with a very quiet /p/), and make a ton of initial sounds you'll say /m/ for more, something that sort of sounds like sorry (R-ee!) and you say a sort of shuffled /d/ for down and are working on an approximation for Owen. Two weeks ago you started speech therapy through our insurance (that we are very thankful to have so you can receive services) and I'm appreciating that its working- the timing seems to be ripe for you, where you are more interested in expressive communication and we are working to use some of the extra strategies they suggest to support your language.

This month you've grown so much more independent- you can put your shoes on yourself and often sit yourself on the time out stair, not because you are in any type of trouble, but because you see your brothers do it. You adore flying high when your dad throws you up to the ceiling of the living room and you bravely ask for more over and over again.

You are still anxious not to let us go though when out of the house- you don't especially like separation time at ECFE and often cry while I'm away, but you are working to see that I always come back. At home, you are much more relaxed because you are always with someone you love dearly, me or daddy or candy.  You have lots of friends at ECFE and definitely enjoy seeing and playing with them each week. Its fun to see you interact with them (albeit without saying much!)

You continue to climb on everything and anything you can, and this month you've learned not to touch the Christmas tree, which has gone surprisingly well. You know though that you can smell it, and so when you are curious you walk up to it and bury your nose in a branch, which is adorable but not always effective. You also love the kissing ball, and know that to get to touch it you have to share a kiss with mom or dad, and its pretty darn adorable.


You are quite the helper, and you always want clean up, constantly pushing the mop or using a paper towel to wipe up messes. You love to put things in the garbage, but are less inclined to help with laundry where instead you want to put everything on, even if its far too large for you.

You've also grown interested in the potty this month, which was a surprise to us! But you've gone probably 4 or 5 times so far and that's been so exciting. We are so proud of you!

You sleep and eat so well.You'll try almost anything to eat and this past month have grown interested in boiled eggs. You especially love peas, and dairy (cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese), and any fruit. You are working hard in using your spoon, although most of it still ends up on your face. You love throwing your cup when you are done with it, so we are working on that.

You still don't love car rides, but you do love your carseat when its out of the car and you can sit in it and play with the buckle. Sometimes you'll whine the whole way home, but when we arrive and stop you don't want to get out of the seat. It's rather funny. You've also grown fond of many of your toys that play music (the plush pink pig and puppy, glow worm) because you adore music so much, we love to watch you dance, which you do all the time.

You really are something of a wonder. I adore the sparkle in your eyes and all that you've brought to our family. We are so thankful for you sweet, baby Eden. I'm lucky to be your momma.

love
Momma (and Daddy too).

the first trimester, for the last time

Its always been four.
Well, maybe five before I met Drew.
But after we married, its always been four.

And so, four is here.
With a bit of intervention, a bit of anticipation and even some anxiety, four is on its way.

I have all sorts of feelings about this pregnancy, some complex, some more pure in intention. I'm working to savor the moments that are so special, because they will never happen again. At the same time, this pregnancy has been rough, the morning sickness (all day and night nausea) was intense and unforgiving. It started on our last day in Maine, which was a bummer, because I'll only ever think of that trip now with a faint feeling of wanting to vomit in the back of my throat. I have nearly the same feeling about Disney world because that is where I started to get really sick with Eden too (although that has faded a bit). I've never been so intensely sick and overwhelmed with nausea. I could not really function. This is the first time for that level of disability. I've never seen my work slide as a function of pregnancy and this time it certainly did. This time I could barely keep my head above water. I'm so thankful for my colleagues who were supportive and helpful as I struggled through each day.

This intense nausea and sheer exhaustion has only recently loosened up to be more like an annoyance and less debilitating. But, I know greet overwhelming heartburn each day, so it seems like, one in, one out. The first trimester I spent so much time feeling horrible that I didn't find much space to appreciate any of it. I just wanted to clear the hurdle and be done with the sickness. I kept waiting for it, but 14 weeks later, its still not exactly better.

The things though was that I found a way to coexist with it, and toward the end of the first trimester I couldn't help but face up to all the other emotions stewing. I know that I should be hanging on to these moments, but I wanted nothing to do with all of the awful somatic symptoms. At the same time, miscarriage anxiety was running rampant, every doctor's appt was met with a pessimistic view that things might not be okay and each time I saw that little heartbeat I was relieved. That anxiety still grips me though.

At the same time, the time is flying by and I already wonder how all will get done, all the things at home, all the tasks for a new baby and all the work that is required in my job. I know it will get done, it always does, but that stress is foreboding. Bringing Eden into our lives was fairly easy, and we were certainly surprised by how lucky we were to adjust so well, but making sure all three of my children have all the things they need at the same time is sometimes a challenge between classes, music and speech for Eden, music lessons for the boys, Karate for Collin, boy scouts and other events we are constantly going, and of course, baby four will only add to the chaos.

All of this is compounded by thinking about post-partum depression. I was fortunate not to have it with Collin or Eden, but I certainly had it, and ignored it with Owen. Two babies, at that moment, one at 18 months and a newborn was more than I should have taken on alone, and now, with the circumstances ripe for a similar moment in our lives (Eden will be 2 when baby 4 is born) I worry again about that possibility and being more proactive about remedying it.

And so, all of these things come together. Moments of joy, like the day we were able to see the baby waving about during the first trimester screening ultrasound, with days that I wonder how on earth will we do this? Of course, it was all part of the plan, and if not anything else, I follow through with the thoughtful and intentional plans we've made in our lives. There are so many reasons we are excited and grateful for baby 4. At the same time, there are so many moments that make me flooded with anxiety about whats ahead, and together it makes for a complex set of feelings that leaves its mark on the first trimester.

As things get easier, I hope to watch these anxieties fade and gain new confidence in where we are headed, but i this moment, the first trimester, for the last time, is all the feelings, all at once.

The last pregnancy

This time.
Is the last time.
Which makes it the best and worst all at the same time.

Sigh.

I don't think I'll miss being pregnant. I won't miss the misery of being intensely sick or the worry for all the things that could go wrong. I won't want to return the days of miscarriages or lost hope. I won't lament taking all of the fertility drugs, and clinically tracking things that should not be tracked in a regular person's routine. Those are hard parts to hang on to.

But I will miss the feeling of kicks and flips, the second trimester happiness that comes with anticipating new life, the glee associated with meeting a new little person, picking out a new nursery, preparing all things great asn small, and the love that comes from knowing they are one more manifestation of the love in our family.

So we're on this journey, for the fourth and final time. I feel intensely content is saying our family of six is complete, or at least will be, when this baby makes their appearance.

I'm entwined in the bittersweet realization that there we be no more. No more first steps, no more first smiles, no more diapers, no my tiny squeals of delight after this round. I feel obligated to savor each moment longer, but as a fourth, its clear that we have so much less time to focus on those things with three other small humans also trying to be successful in this world.

Nevertheless, we'll persist. We'll persist in trying to see each moment for its lasting impression on development, to not rush even a tiny bit of it and to welcome each stage as we simultaneously bid farewell to the last.

This time, the emotions are more raw, and the excitement, while so present, is mixed so much with these realizations that I can only capture this journey in a way that is entirely different from the others.

We are excited to meet you sweet baby Hollman 4.
We can't wait to learn about who you are and what you will become.
And I'll likely shed a few tears for all the last moments I have, as we await your arrival and as we watch you grow. You are perfectly special that way, and forever loved for closing this chapter in our lives.

Halloween 2017

 Halloween of 2017 was one for the ages- super cold, typical Minnesota, with no less than two layers below a coat, below a costume. Fortunately, the boys are a ripe age to take on all code for the mere incentive of candy, so off they went as dragons, a repeat of years prior, but long-loved costumes.  Eden on the other hand was less than excited to wear her dragon costume, which is perfectly depicted in this photo:

 Get. This. Off. Me.

 We tried, forever, to get her to acquiesce, but she was having none of it! At 17 months, her persistence is strong and language is weak, so she had few words to say "I don't like it!", but we knew nevertheless that she was less than happy. So she stayed home with me and we passed out candy, which made her much happier.

For a few brief moments, between the head on and the head off, she was quite happy frolicking around the floor. Fortunately we caught a few of those moments too.

The boys brought in a great haul, which kept us all near diabetic state for at least a few months afterwards. Halloween continues to be one of their favorite holidays, and every year they dream up new ideas for costumes. I dread the day they don't want to dress up anymore or resist trick or treating. I'm hoping for at least 5 more years of these shenanigans!

15 months of Eden

Dear Sweet Eden,

At 15 months, you continue to teach us so much about life. You are so wonderful and so new to us in so many ways, that you often keep me guessing and learning to accept what comes next.

At 15 months you still aren't talking much, which makes me worry. In fact I asked for a evaluation of your language skills to see if you can benefit from speech therapy to get you to talk. At 17 months they finished the evaluation and you did not yet qualify, but your words my dear, are limited. You use dada, up, and hi consistently, but thats about it. With prompting I can get something that sounds sort of like momma, papa and you make a consistent sound for sorry.

Your receptive language skills though are well above average, you shake your head for yes and no, sign, please, thank you, more and all done all the time and add expression with grunting, shoulder shrugs and whining noises to get your point across. For the most part you are content without words, which is so unfamiliar to me as we are a family that talks, a lot.

Your gross motor skills are off the charts- you climb the single rung ladder on the bunk beds easily, you run everywhere and you are a daredevil, jumping from one piece of furniture to the next all the time. These days I find you on the countertop in 2 seconds flat, quickly scaling the stools and getting to the top of the counter with a look of pride and a mischievous smile. You go up and down the stairs easily and have only really fallen once, a bit before 15 months. Since then you are careful to go down on your belly and take the stairs going up one at a time. We don't have any gates, so its always in your view and access. Fortunately you've accepted them as part of the topography of our house. When you are playing, everything is a stool- you stand on your riding dinosaur, and on the rocking horse, all with reckless abandon, making me fearful of a fall.

You adore your brothers, and they continue to adore you. You especially love running into Owen's room and heading right to the nightstand drawers to empty out all the small things that are too small for you. You quickly shovel them into your mouth, and as  I say spit it out you turn and run until I catch you, when you finally willingly dispose of whatever small bead, toy or trinket you've found.

In your own space you are getting more particular about choosing clothes and like to take things from drawers and place them about the room. You are such a little helper, always wanting to help along with the vacuum, dusting or cleaning up spills.

At 15 months you started the transition to 1 nap, which was a little early for my taste, but you've taught us to adjust. Now you eat early, around 11, and then head for nap before 12 to take a 2 hour slumber. It works well for you and you are our sweet happy baby when you wake up. At night you You are a great sleeper once you are down. You don't need us to rock you for naps, but you still love to cuddle to sleep at bedtime.

You continue to be an adventurous eater. At 13 months we stopped nursing and about 3 weeks later all of the pumped milk was gone, leading to a transition to real food all the time. You took it all in stride and now enjoy whatever we are eating right alongside of us. Sometimes textures through you off and you continue to not like tomatoes and cucumbers, but for the most part will try anything once.Between 13 months and now you've had a wealth of new teeth, four molars, a couple of eye teeth, but you still don't have a full set. Your teeth are so slow to come in, but you don't seem to mind at all.

You also love water, both to drink and to play in. One of your favorite things to do at ECFE is play in the suds tubs and splash water. In the bath you've taken to laying on your belly and putting your face in the water slowly while you splash. Its fun to see your brave adventures.

Every morning you sit quietly in your crib and wait for me, which is such a amazing thing for me. I've never known a baby with such patience! You are content to be by yourself and do seem to enjoy quiet time in a way that I didn't experience with either of the boys.

You are teaching me about new ways to connect with you- I'm particularly fond of reading books but you still don't love them the way I do (or the boys do) which is hard for us, but we are learning to adjust. Sometime soon I hope you turn a corner and find the same joy in books that our family shares.

You are all the things I could imagine I'd want in a baby girl and yet you surprise me everyday. We love you so much, and we can't wait to see you continue to grow.

10 years! Have we really been married that long?

This year is our ten year anniversary. Its hard to think its been 10 years. I simultaneously think how did that go by so fast? And look at all that has happened in that time!

This year we will celebrate with a trip to St Lucia in January, but in the meantime, I wrote Drew this letter on our wedding day:

To my Hottie husband,

I don’t know why it is so difficult to capture time. Like sand sifting through my fingers, the more I hold on, the faster it seems to escape my grasp. It’s clear though that time is picking up its pace, hustling a little more, and I’m working harder to slow down, to savor the moment, to live right in it. It’s ironic though- I’m aware, we live in a time when all things point to rapid attention shifts, multi-tasking and making ten moments become one, instead of aligning with what I crave most: more time. Unfortunately for me, this means half-heartedly paying attention to anything in my set of 10, instead of fully attending to one, a trade I make reluctantly, but still do, nevertheless.

Days go on and I find myself regretfully wishing to put my phone down more, to increase my time in the moment with our kids, to smile when its not such a big deal, and give less attention to negative things. Its hard, I know. I keep trying. Fail 99 times, get up 100.

But here we are. Time sailed through and its ten years. Today, of all days deserves my undivided attention, and so for you, I’m writing. Pouring it all on paper so you can see with your eyes, briefly, but truly, inside my heart.

I remember that day like yesterday. I can reconstruct it easily- waking up all too early, at 6 am, long before I knew anything about how children teach you 6 am is not THAT early. Long before my days revolved around little smiles, hefty responsibility and big, wide, and deep love.

My mom took us to the salon so early because there was a lot of hair prep going on- 9 ladies all waiting for their turn. I recall giving Miranda bridal Barbie and laughing a lot in that small space. It was raining. It didn’t really bother me that it was raining. I wondered what you were doing.

I remember where I was when I opened the necklace you gave me. How sweet it was to see that pretty blue stone. I think about it every time I put it on still.

I remember heading to the church and getting ready, hiding in the basement, and really feeling my heart fill with excitement. Prior to that day I was confident about recalling my vows, but just a few minutes before going upstairs I was furiously recalling them worried I’d mess them up. Being excited overlapped with anxiety, and made me nervous.

I remember heading up the stairs to find my dad, already choking back tear and reminding myself to walk slowly and to take a minute to hang on to the moment. To make a mental picture I could draw on forever, as I came around the corner to enter the sanctuary. I did. I have that image. It’s easy to recall. I remember seeing you for the first time, and in that moment I was so happy. Now when I think about it I smile just as much, but I think about how young we were and how young you looked standing at that altar.

I remember saying our vows, and meaning every word of them. I recall trying to timidly stepping through each line, packing each one with as much emotion and love as I could. I remember the pastor messing up my name, I remember saying I will, I remember kissing you in a moment that marked the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I remember photos, and greetings, cake and not eating more than two bites of dinner because we were busy and excited and bursting with the future. I remember some of the steps to our first dance, listening to Kevin and Heather sing In Spite of Ourselves and loving each moment of celebrating our union.

I remember waking up to leave for Spain with a happy heart, filled with a new excitement for the adventure that lay ahead, as your wife.

Flash forward ten years, and I’m not certain I’d ever guess what our lives would look like. I know now that then I didn’t understand very well the deep swells that come with love. I didn’t see the braided strands that weave together happiness and joy, steadfast commitment, but hardship too, to form the fabric of our lives. I didn’t understand that there are seasons in life and that we pass through them with opportunities to learn more about ourselves and our relationship.

So today I reflect on what ten years has brought us and I think about what time has given me along the way. Ten years ago today we stood at that altar and took vows. I meant every word of those vows, and worked hard to compose them to get them just right, but I had no idea how now, 10 years later, they have more meaning to me than they ever could have meant in that moment in church.

When I said yes to you, up at Superior state park, I can admit now I wasn’t 100% sure. I was confident I loved you, but I had no idea what constituted the difference between saying yes and hesitating. I took a leap of faith assuming life would lead me in the right direction. I’m so thankful it did, and I’m incredibly more in love with you now than I was on that day. I knew that spending the rest of my life with you seemed exciting and that my heart beamed thinking of the rest of our days together, but there were also so many other things I did not know.

I didn’t know how truly marvelous you are. I didn’t know because time had yet to reveal it.

Ten years has helped me see so much in you that I didn’t see before. I love you now as I have never loved anyone in my life. The thought of losing you actually makes my chest tighten. When you left for Michigan holding all that I love in your hands, I held back anxious and fearful thoughts about what would happen if anything happened to you all on your travels. My love for you and our children runs deep. You four are in all the moments I live for.

When we married I didn’t know that I was capable of such intense love. I didn’t see how intertwined we would become and how sometimes I would lose sight of where you end and I begin. I didn’t know I would begin to crave your hugs as much as you crave touch. I know our connections vary and you flourish in touch, while I feel incredibly loved in acts of service, but over the years I find respite in your arms. I could bury myself in those moments.

Ten years ago I didn’t know the depth of your thoughtfulness. You care for me like no one I’ve ever known, clearly prioritizing my happiness. You don’t compete with me and you are so self-assured you give me much space to be the independent, loud, work-horse, opinionated, educated, woman I am. Ten years ago I didn’t know I was marrying an almost feminist. Now I see it in you as such a beacon to guide our children’s future.

I didn’t know what kind of parent you would become. I didn’t know that you would wear your dad badge with such pride and commitment and that giving you children would be one of the greatest gifts of our marriage. I didn’t know that parenting would make me see you through an entirely new light that surfaces all that is good in your heart and reminds me of the joy you carry from your own childhood to embed in theirs.

I didn’t know that I would be so thankful for our marriage. Over and over again I bear witness to other relationships that amaze me with their disrespect, dishonestly, and disconnection. I am always thankful that we are married. I am always thankful that I do not hesitate to tell you anything and that I feel safe and protected when I talk to you. I did not know how much I would value the serenity of the calm in our lives complemented with the crazy, when viewed from the inside, hand in hand with you. I can weather the storms outside because I know you are here inside with me.

I didn’t know how much I’d love your reflection of our mutual needs. I love getting to sleep in one day a weekend. I love that you honor my need to travel. I love that you recognize my success is at least in part due to staying active in thinking and learning at work, which means pushing harder and committing to bigger and bigger adventures. I love that you don’t complain about those things and recognize them as much of who I am.

I didn’t know how much being a team in life would be such a pillar in our happiness. That vulnerability and growth represent so much of what ties us together. Somedays I see you struggle and want to tag in, other days you see me fall and pick up the pieces. I couldn’t imagine how the balance we strike between the things we do as partners makes such a difference. There were moments in our marriage earlier on when I felt guilty that you were doing chores traditionally laid to my role as a wife. I don’t carry that guilt anymore. I love that you do the dishes and rock Eden to sleep, I love that we share parenting equally and that our kids don’t see either one of us as more dominant than the other. I love that when we hit our stride, we complement each other’s strengths and take on the things the other doesn’t enjoy as much.

I didn’t know I’d crave affection in ways I’d never needed it before. I love it when you kiss me. I love it when your hands are on me. I love it when those moments come between the smallest of tasks as a reminder. I brief glimpse into your heart. I didn’t understand that your touch would feel less like a hug and more like a tether to my heart.

I didn’t know that I’d cherish your workmanship and energy nearly as much as your personality. I had no way to see the amazing craft you’d put into our life, our home and our future. You don’t slow down often and I’m often reminded how crazy it is that you keep up with my crazy. I cherish our home and the energy you’ve put into it. The investment is more than just the work, but such an expression of love.

I didn’t know how much I would want to protect you. I’m on your team. In fact, I’m probably the coach. We people wrong you it makes my blood boil. When you tell me about crappy circumstances at work or in friendships I want to kick them in the face. Every time, without fail, I have to talk myself down to being a listener that helps you seeing the whole picture from every perspective instead of just directing my protective energy to their demise.

I couldn’t possibly foresee how much the moments we travel together would represent milestones in our relationship. I’ve always loved travel, but now its means so much more to me because I treasure the moments we get together away from all the other things in our lives.

So, over these ten years I’ve learned much and time has revealed so many qualities in you that I didn’t see before. You are all the most important parts of my life- a connection to my soul, my greatest love, my sounding board, my problem solving partner, my co-pilot, co-conspirator and favorite place. I adore you in ways I didn’t know were possible.

These past 10 years have easily been the best of my life, entirely because you were right there next to me. I wake up happy because I share a life with you. Thank you, today, and always for choosing me. These 10 years really did seem like no time at all has passed and while I’m not anxious for time to move on, I can’t wait to see what happiness is in store and what new things I learn about our relationship. I’m ready to head into the second decade of our lives. I’m not really sure where time will take us, but I can at least offer a beginning adventure on this leg of the journey.

All my love.

Lakehouse 2017

The fourth of July is truly my favorite holiday. I love the patriotism, I love being with family, and I love the lakehouse. The lakehouse makes my soul full of joy. It clears my mind and refreshes my spirit. I hold tight to the light and peace I take from this place.

This year, briefly, we thought the lake house had sold (it didn't go through, thankfully!) but for a moment I thought the door to that slice of happiness in that house was changing seasons and I was so heartbroken. Fortunately we get to return to the lakehouse this year, and we certainly look forward to it. I makes my heart happy to know my boys, and now Eden have memories here to remember all the amazing summers of their lives.

In short, the lakehouse is my happy place. 

The pictures never capture it entirely, but we certainly try.