Saturday, April 19, 2014

I'm not that kind of Nazi.

Things are evening out at our house, finally.
I chock this up to working hard with Ms. Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly.
I love this book. Its such a good "work on it" guide and I feel like I should highlight every page.
But just last night I was reading about enjoying the present moment and eliminating foreboding joy.

Foreboding joy is that moment when things seem perfectly happy and you instantly start to ruin it by thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Its waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, and it ruins us! Ruins us! I tell you.

But anyway, tonight I was trying to be in the moment. To have gratitude for my two adorable, spritely and amazing boys. By being in the moment though, I wandered into some heavy territory with Collin.

Here's how our conversation went after dying easter eggs.

C: Momma, when is the easter bunny coming?
Me: Sunday.
C: Sunday when we go to church? (Church is on his mind because we trying new ones right now)
Me: Yep.
C: Can we join the church we went to last week?
Me: Why?
C: It was so fun. I want to go to the school (referring to sunday school).
Me: (Confused look on my face) I don't know Collin. We have to find one that works for all of us in our family.
C: That one works.
Me: Well, thanks for telling me you liked it.

And so we wandered into discussing religion at the ripe age of 4.

It was fun to hear him explore the value of church. He was happy to share all he liked about it, and I decided it best to not share what I didn't like about it He's not yet connected Easter and church, and to be honest, I'm not sure I want him to yet because (1) I think its a bit intense, and (2) I'm not sure I believe it... so there's that whole piece.

Religion is super fascinating to me, but we haven't exactly found a place that meets our "kind" of faith as a home. Drew and I were raised catholic, and I'd say that I'm at least pretty connected to my faith. I believe there is a God and that there are powerful influences in this world. I believe we all have souls and are united by love and compassion. I think the bible is a powerful and useful story that has many fantastic lessons.

It gets much more murky in the Jesus waters though. I think that people perceived miracles, but I don't think any walking on water, or rising from the dead actually happened. It think its very likely that as a messenger Jesus shared his direct connection with God, and that when it was recorded in the Bible, human error impeded its accuracy. I like to think that Jesus was an amazing leader who was a pretty regular guy. I don't think an immaculate conception happened, but I do believe that he had an amazing and powerful connection to God that he used that connection to be loving and compassionate to all people, and to lead with these virtues.

I don't think God created the earth in seven days and I don't think God is the kind of being who curses folks the way the old testament tells it. I don't connect to a hateful God. I don't think he'd spite your children because of your mistakes, or kill entire communities based on one person's actions in old-testament style.

I believe God is grounded and made of love. That he is forgiving and supporting. I believe that he represents the good in this world through may different entities. I believe there isn't one path to him, but many.

So, this got us to where we are now. Church shopping as you will. Talking religion with a four year old.

Catholicism doesn't do it for us any longer. For awhile we stuck it out, even though it seemed like it was heading down the wrong road. We went to a pretty progressive church, so the message inside the church was different than the message on the outside, but at some point we took a step back an realized we couldn't keep saying, "we're not that kind of Catholic" because it felt like we were saying "I'm not that kind of Nazi".

I know that sounds severe, so bear with us. I don't mean to say that if you are Catholic you are a Nazi at all. What I mean is that the discrepancies from the Catholic doctrine to our beliefs were so extreme that I couldn't look past it anymore. There are many amazing people, who happen to be Catholic who believe in the doctrines we don't, and there are many folks still who can exist comfortably in saying "I'm not that kind of Catholic."

I'm sure, back in the 40s there were many Germans who were Nazi's that were compassionate toward Jews. They hid Jews and probably had inner circles that collaborated with goodness in their hearts. They were Nazi's though too. Probably because they thought it was the only way they could live. Probably because they thought they didn't have a choice. But they had to also rebutt what Nazi stood for. They probably said things like "I'm not that kind of Nazi". At the end of the day though, 50 years later, we recognize Nazis a a homogenous group of ill. We don't see them as a continuum of good and evil. Historically, the Nazi movement made harsh decisions that persecuted and led to the death of many people. There were Germans too, who left the country or refused to subscribed to Hitler. Likely risking their lives. But they did it on principle. They would not stand for the message behind Hitler.

So, in the same, but less intense way, we couldn't stand behind Catholicism any longer. We want to be on the accepting side of equality. We were tired of saying "I'm not that kind of Catholic" and the truth is there were not imminent perils that were keeping us Catholic (thank God!)-- I didn't fear for my life. I had every opportunity to leave, and that in some ways made it much more compelling to leave.I do really believe that the Catholic church practices persecution. It breaks my heart that so many good and faith-based people are denied by the Catholic church, that the rules about marriage, divorce, and priests lives are so intensely monitored and enforced. Its so awful to hear of the corruption and abuse that has gone on within the ranks. So much so that we couldn't support it any more.

For awhile, we were so burned out we just didn't go to church and that was okay for us. But a few months ago I began to miss having a home for my faith. I needed a new place. I told Drew he didn't have to join me on the journey if he didn't want to, but he seems to be coming along (at least for now).

After listening to many sermons online and trying to figure out if we are Protestant, Unitarian, or something else entirely I found myself narrowing it down to four liberal church is our neighborhood/ St Paul. I'm still not sure where we'll land, but here's whats in the running:

First up, a Presbyterian Church call House of hope that is Protestant, following the readings in the bible but suggests they be interpreted at the will of the reader. Recognizes there are flaws in the writing and sees the allegorical value. Also has the pomp and circumstance of Catholicism (for better or worse) with pipe organs and German songs. Great pastor though, who speaks to equality, generosity and love (and the only one we've visited so far).

Second up,  an Episcopal church (also very liberal) called St Mary's Episcopal church with Christian roots. Has bible readings but offers them as stories, not as truths necessarily. Here there is a huge contiuum of beliefs from Jesus doesn't have much power, to Jesus is my savior.

Third up, a unitarian church call Unity Church in St Paul. Its universalist, which means if you believe it, there is probably a niche for you here. It supports all types of and styles of faith with open arms.

and Fourth, Centenial Methodist Church here in Roseville. Methodist, liberal, younger crowd and less lecture more mission.

Collin's only been to one of the four so far, so I'm curious what his vote will be as we get through them all, but he certainly liked the first.

I'm not sure where we'll end up, but I do know that calling myself "not that kind of Catholic" won't work any longer, and finding a home for my faith is important so I can at least show the boys one way of being faithful, spiritual and guided by God. 

And so, even in this journey, I turn back to preventing foreboding joy, and trying (working hard!) to enjoy the journey and process, rather than focusing on only finding the right church. Understanding the others along the way also contributes to our satisfaction at the end, so we're enjoying each experience, with out foreboding the joy.

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