Read with me,mama

Collin is not quite yet 5 and we've been working on lots of things to prepare for kindergarten. Focusing on one thing at a time, developing more (and more) patience, solving problems with words and multiple attempts. I think its fair to say that he's working diligently on these things and they'll come along before fall, just the way they should, and some days I get a little worried, and perseverate on the things he doesn't have quite down yet, but today is not one of those days.

Today is a day to celebrate how much of a rockstar he is at beginning reading.

Both of our boys love love love books. Love them so much they are willing to spend lots of their independent time choosing to look at books. Drew and I are voracious readers too, and it probably doesn't help any that I study early language and literacy development. Collin doesn't seem to mind though. He's always been very interested in how to read, and its was so very easy for him to learn all the letters and sounds. So awhile ago, probably soon after he turned 3 we started to work on pre-reading skills using a pretty famous method by Ziggy Engelmann. Its a tried and true method and has a lot of research behind it (surprise). Anyway, I didn't push it at first because he was only just 3, so we were doing one lesson per week, maybe. Now, a whole year later we're at about lesson 70 and he's becoming more and more confident, and more and more successful in reading. He's good at it and does a great job using a mix of sounding it out and identifying common site words. I love watching this skill blossom, and I can't wait until he's reading to me all the time from books he adores.

I'm so proud of our little (big) guy. Check it out for yourself!
(also ignore the "I have to poop" part at the end of the first video!)

I'm not that kind of Nazi.

Things are evening out at our house, finally.
I chock this up to working hard with Ms. Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly.
I love this book. Its such a good "work on it" guide and I feel like I should highlight every page.
But just last night I was reading about enjoying the present moment and eliminating foreboding joy.

Foreboding joy is that moment when things seem perfectly happy and you instantly start to ruin it by thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Its waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, and it ruins us! Ruins us! I tell you.

But anyway, tonight I was trying to be in the moment. To have gratitude for my two adorable, spritely and amazing boys. By being in the moment though, I wandered into some heavy territory with Collin.

Here's how our conversation went after dying easter eggs.

C: Momma, when is the easter bunny coming?
Me: Sunday.
C: Sunday when we go to church? (Church is on his mind because we trying new ones right now)
Me: Yep.
C: Can we join the church we went to last week?
Me: Why?
C: It was so fun. I want to go to the school (referring to sunday school).
Me: (Confused look on my face) I don't know Collin. We have to find one that works for all of us in our family.
C: That one works.
Me: Well, thanks for telling me you liked it.

And so we wandered into discussing religion at the ripe age of 4.

It was fun to hear him explore the value of church. He was happy to share all he liked about it, and I decided it best to not share what I didn't like about it He's not yet connected Easter and church, and to be honest, I'm not sure I want him to yet because (1) I think its a bit intense, and (2) I'm not sure I believe it... so there's that whole piece.

Religion is super fascinating to me, but we haven't exactly found a place that meets our "kind" of faith as a home. Drew and I were raised catholic, and I'd say that I'm at least pretty connected to my faith. I believe there is a God and that there are powerful influences in this world. I believe we all have souls and are united by love and compassion. I think the bible is a powerful and useful story that has many fantastic lessons.

It gets much more murky in the Jesus waters though. I think that people perceived miracles, but I don't think any walking on water, or rising from the dead actually happened. It think its very likely that as a messenger Jesus shared his direct connection with God, and that when it was recorded in the Bible, human error impeded its accuracy. I like to think that Jesus was an amazing leader who was a pretty regular guy. I don't think an immaculate conception happened, but I do believe that he had an amazing and powerful connection to God that he used that connection to be loving and compassionate to all people, and to lead with these virtues.

I don't think God created the earth in seven days and I don't think God is the kind of being who curses folks the way the old testament tells it. I don't connect to a hateful God. I don't think he'd spite your children because of your mistakes, or kill entire communities based on one person's actions in old-testament style.

I believe God is grounded and made of love. That he is forgiving and supporting. I believe that he represents the good in this world through may different entities. I believe there isn't one path to him, but many.

So, this got us to where we are now. Church shopping as you will. Talking religion with a four year old.

Catholicism doesn't do it for us any longer. For awhile we stuck it out, even though it seemed like it was heading down the wrong road. We went to a pretty progressive church, so the message inside the church was different than the message on the outside, but at some point we took a step back an realized we couldn't keep saying, "we're not that kind of Catholic" because it felt like we were saying "I'm not that kind of Nazi".

I know that sounds severe, so bear with us. I don't mean to say that if you are Catholic you are a Nazi at all. What I mean is that the discrepancies from the Catholic doctrine to our beliefs were so extreme that I couldn't look past it anymore. There are many amazing people, who happen to be Catholic who believe in the doctrines we don't, and there are many folks still who can exist comfortably in saying "I'm not that kind of Catholic."

I'm sure, back in the 40s there were many Germans who were Nazi's that were compassionate toward Jews. They hid Jews and probably had inner circles that collaborated with goodness in their hearts. They were Nazi's though too. Probably because they thought it was the only way they could live. Probably because they thought they didn't have a choice. But they had to also rebutt what Nazi stood for. They probably said things like "I'm not that kind of Nazi". At the end of the day though, 50 years later, we recognize Nazis a a homogenous group of ill. We don't see them as a continuum of good and evil. Historically, the Nazi movement made harsh decisions that persecuted and led to the death of many people. There were Germans too, who left the country or refused to subscribed to Hitler. Likely risking their lives. But they did it on principle. They would not stand for the message behind Hitler.

So, in the same, but less intense way, we couldn't stand behind Catholicism any longer. We want to be on the accepting side of equality. We were tired of saying "I'm not that kind of Catholic" and the truth is there were not imminent perils that were keeping us Catholic (thank God!)-- I didn't fear for my life. I had every opportunity to leave, and that in some ways made it much more compelling to leave.I do really believe that the Catholic church practices persecution. It breaks my heart that so many good and faith-based people are denied by the Catholic church, that the rules about marriage, divorce, and priests lives are so intensely monitored and enforced. Its so awful to hear of the corruption and abuse that has gone on within the ranks. So much so that we couldn't support it any more.

For awhile, we were so burned out we just didn't go to church and that was okay for us. But a few months ago I began to miss having a home for my faith. I needed a new place. I told Drew he didn't have to join me on the journey if he didn't want to, but he seems to be coming along (at least for now).

After listening to many sermons online and trying to figure out if we are Protestant, Unitarian, or something else entirely I found myself narrowing it down to four liberal church is our neighborhood/ St Paul. I'm still not sure where we'll land, but here's whats in the running:

First up, a Presbyterian Church call House of hope that is Protestant, following the readings in the bible but suggests they be interpreted at the will of the reader. Recognizes there are flaws in the writing and sees the allegorical value. Also has the pomp and circumstance of Catholicism (for better or worse) with pipe organs and German songs. Great pastor though, who speaks to equality, generosity and love (and the only one we've visited so far).

Second up,  an Episcopal church (also very liberal) called St Mary's Episcopal church with Christian roots. Has bible readings but offers them as stories, not as truths necessarily. Here there is a huge contiuum of beliefs from Jesus doesn't have much power, to Jesus is my savior.

Third up, a unitarian church call Unity Church in St Paul. Its universalist, which means if you believe it, there is probably a niche for you here. It supports all types of and styles of faith with open arms.

and Fourth, Centenial Methodist Church here in Roseville. Methodist, liberal, younger crowd and less lecture more mission.

Collin's only been to one of the four so far, so I'm curious what his vote will be as we get through them all, but he certainly liked the first.

I'm not sure where we'll end up, but I do know that calling myself "not that kind of Catholic" won't work any longer, and finding a home for my faith is important so I can at least show the boys one way of being faithful, spiritual and guided by God. 

And so, even in this journey, I turn back to preventing foreboding joy, and trying (working hard!) to enjoy the journey and process, rather than focusing on only finding the right church. Understanding the others along the way also contributes to our satisfaction at the end, so we're enjoying each experience, with out foreboding the joy.

Um. Woops.

I'm pretty sure we never posted our christmas card this year, and since this is the record of all things Hollman for the boys when they are older, you get to see it again, in April.

Sorry.

Put this in the pile of "mom means well, but sometimes she's about 5 months behind the ball".

Yikes.

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Just keep swimming

Literally. The boys are moving along at FOSS swim school. They moved up to “Littles 2” which means they have to start really learning how to swim on their own.

Its fun to watch as the push their little bodies along with sporadic kicks and un-coordinated “scoops”, they aren’t exactly swimming. More like approximating swimming, but its all about the process really. We praise the process, not just the end result.

Here’s some fun videos of their latest swimming. You can hear us cheering them on.
 
They are 3 and nearly 5. Their life is supported by praise.
 But you know, we’ve been watching them now for 7 weeks or so, and all the while there have been lessons right in front of my face that I haven’t been attending to. I too just keep swimming. I too should attend to the process and not place all my value on the end product.

Somewhere though, when we turn into adults, we lose the magic of how that all works though. We shift to an outcomes driven world. I know it well. I wasn’t seeing the trees in the forest until this week when I noticed that being present with them in those lessons offered me a lot too.

This past week, in my biggest vulnerable moment yet, I got the email that said, “thanks for applying, but your application as not selected for further review.” My gut sank as though someone had thrown a fastball right through me. I ached for a minute. I almost cried at work, which NEVER happens. I took a deep breath and closed the email. Then I opened it again. As though if I tried one more time the information in it might change. I cringed. First failure in the academic realm. Ouch. I did not think for one minute about the process. All I saw was a failed outcome. And you know, I should have. Folks keep pointing me that direction. Reminding me that I can choose to see this as a challenge or as an opportunity for growth. I’m coming out of my comfort zone and trying to embrace the later, by emphasizing the process, rather than the product. Because applying did open the door to make a strategic personal plan in my work. To find a successful path for the next five years at least. Its been almost a week now. I’ve calmed down a bit. I’ve got more of a plan in my mind—its coming together and I’ll fill the gaps in the weakest part of my portfolio. It doesn’t mean I’m not a little bit heartbroken. Sometimes I still think of myself in that faculty role.

 I didn’t even realize I wanted it that badly until I couldn’t have it. But I’m trying to remember that making changes in my career to align with my own long term goals and attending to the process rather than the product is important.

I thought initially that this application would be an experiment in vulnerability. But I also thought it was a container. If I got the position the vulnerability would be over, if I didn’t I also thought the vulnerability would be over once I got over it. But the thing is I was wrong, because this is just the beginning of vulnerability because having the career I want means taking risks. That already sounds uncomfortable just writing it, but its true. Soft-funding is that way, and right now, it’s the path I choose to stay on.

So, learning from my beautiful boys, I’m just going to keep swimming. To work to get stronger in my strokes to my goal, just as they’ll become real and proficient swimmers and if all works out, maybe someday in the future we’ll get to spend some time floating.