What to Expect...

I bet you all thought I was about to write "when you are expecting". ha ha. No such luck, dear reader. In fact, this post is about just the opposite.

If finding out we were pregnant with Collin we diligently went to the book store and bought the baby bible: What to Expect when you are Expecting. For those of you who have not read this book, it chronicles pregnancy week by week with all the intended milestones and possible ailments you can have during those 40 weeks. Its useful, until that is you pass about week 44 (4 weeks post partum), where it happily announces: "If you've somehow escaped post-partum depression, then HURRAY! Let the party begin!". Okay, so it doesn't really say that, but it might as well.

Then there is the book, What to Expect the First Year. You guessed it, a developmental guide to your child's growth and development.

What no one tells you pre-pregnancy is that there is a secret missing book that NO ONE has written. Its called "What to Expect Post-Pregnancy: The south of the border edition."


Seriously. 8.5 months after having a baby my body STILL hates me. Most particularly, its lead to recent surgery, which I will avoid sharing about because there has to be somewhere to draw the line on this blog. Consider it HERE.

Not too long ago I was at a little gathering, a few days after my surgery, with about 15 or so women, who kindly asked how I was recuperating. This was very nice of them, and I politely responded that I had some surgery in a nether region area and was doing well. I think almost ALL of the women who have had babies shook their heads with a knowing sigh and commented that they too might know exactly what I was going through... REALLY? There are that many of us? And nobody has written a book yet? Good Lord. My convenience sample, with a small n might be biased, but it sure got me thinking.

In the cheery world of parenting I realize I am supposed to look at my happy baby, smile, and think how it all was so worth it. Which I do. But it sure doesn't make me just forget about all of the side-effects. From skin problems, to south of the border issues, to dietary restrictions and weight, I've just about had my fill. This is the face I have for you, side effects. I bite my thumb at you...er, fist! (Shakespeare at his best).
I feel like I am finally regaining a little bit of ground, as I am no longer shedding like a Saint Bernard (thank you very much hormones), and my skin is starting not to resemble that of a 16 year old. Hello size 6 pants, thanks for making an appearance in my life again, your friends, sizes 8 and pregnancy size 10 have filled my closet. Where exactly should I put your posse of clothes friends now that you are back? Its likely you'll bring them out to play the next time we have a baby, so I'll be sure not to hand them off to the greater GoodWill. Please stay awhile, really.
Not to mention the permanent changes. Like, whose body is this? Because the shape sure isn't mine. I've never had this figure, and now, it appears here to stay. A whole new wardrobe was need because all of my shirts were too tight, and all of my pants didn't have the room for my hips- since I used to wear straight legs pants- since I used to not have any hips or butt. But, here they are. And they really aren't too bad, except for that they leave me broke because of that whole new wardrobe thing.
So, sorry for complaining, but somewhere out there, there is an author sitting on a very lucrative market for a book that tells you how to navigate all of this hoopla. I've already given you a title! I'd put my money on it selling like hotcakes. But until then, I'll illustrate my disgust with one of Collin's many faces. Here's to YOU ailments, issues and other nether region difficulties-

You've worn your welcome out and its time to go home.