We ventured to the world of Babies R Us with our copy of baby bargains in hand to see what they had to offer, to register for the necessary items and to finally submerge ourselves in the world of 'swaddlers', 'snappis' and 'Bumbos'. Have no idea what these are? Neither did I until we entered this new foreign world. Here's a fun game: see if you can guess which photo is which?
Feeling well educated on product quality we thought we had it down. After all, we read Baby Bargains, registered for what we needed and thought we could get away without too much pain and suffering. However, we were in for quite an experience as we perused the aisles. Our inquisitive minds asked, "what the heck is this for?" which led me, with my background in research to go ahead and find out exactly what these things were and why they were needed. Enter our top 10 list of ridiculous baby items that every mom needs, or gasp, somehow your baby will experience imminent delays, traumatic experiences and withdrawal.
The truth about parenting is that anyone, and I do mean, anyone can find a way to be a parent. There are no rules for procreation, no 'license to create' or general set of guidelines. Its a free for all, and since so many of us out here are anxiously hoping that we somehow can ensure our parenting skills will at the very least 'leave no irrepreable damage' we look for guides, lists, advice and general ways to improve our odds. Enter the sneaky marketing folks from all of the baby industry giants. They thrive on our lack of confidence and try their very best to make us believe their product will ensure a positive end result in all of this parenting mumbo jumbo. So we read about the products, we consider them and in the end the marketing business wins 9 out of 10 times. Will we have a diaper pail- yes, how about a set of monitors to sooth our worries while we are less than 50 feet away, you bet. We'll also likely have lots of other unexpected items like a jumperoo, a boppi, even a co-sleeper. Do we really need them? Probably not. My grandma sure didn't. We've just convinced ourselves it will help us be better parents, so we buy in and the marketing folks win win win.
Alas, I digress, back to the real fun of this post! All of our products are real, as in you can buy them and be sold on their 'genuine authenticity', but for yet another list of real items that I hope no one actually considers buying check out the link at the end of this link to cracked.com. Rather disturbing and hilarious all at the same time. But, Here's our list:
TEN WORST BABY PRODUCTS
10. The Red Neck Pacifier. This is self explanatory. Just in case you hadn't planned to traumatize your baby by offering him ways to ruin his teeth in todlerhood, you can get a second chance to see how things will turn out with this dandy of a pacifier.
9. The hooter hider. Seriously. Some idiot named a piece of cloth used to be discreet while nursing the 'Hooter Hider'- because you know, that title just screams discreetness. Good lord. You'd think the people interested in purchasing something like this would be a bit more apt to buy something called a nursing cover, as generic as it may be.
8. Buster Vacuum cleaner for kids. For all those moms who just love to multi-task. Why vacuum your house when you can let your toddler ride their way to a clean carpet. This reminds me of those old-school Electrolux vacuums, you know, the ones with super suction from the early 60's. My grandma had one and I can remember riding on it while she pulled it through the living room. I also remember finding all kinds of debris in her house, that I am sure made it way into my little hands, and likely into my mouth. Just what every parent dreams about.
7. The baby toupee. Really. This is the real deal. You can purchase this for your baby and he or she will likely be relived of all anxiety due to being a little bald baby. There are colors, styles, even some Bob Marley style dreads. Whatever your heart desires. Just imagine, you could change your baby's total image on a daily basis. It makes me wonder who buys this thing outside of a few weeks before Halloween? Are there parents out there that really have that much anxiety about their baby being bald or being mistaken for a boy when its really a girl. I can't see this conversation happening:
"Honey, so many people mistake our beautiful daughter for a little boy. What should we do?"
"Oh, how about get her ears pierced. That should let them all know what gender they're dealing with!"
"Oh no, I could not put my baby through such tremendous pain and suffering. Besides, her little ears are difficult to keep clean and I worry about infection."
"Well, then, how about a toupee. I've seen plenty of fabulous ones on the toddlers at daycare. Little Penelope has a brilliant pink one with curls."
"Oh, what a great idea! I'll order one tonight".
Okay. Insert sarcastic gagging sounds here.
6. The wipe warmer. Scratch that. Warmers in general. Bottle warmer, wipe warmer, crib blanket warmer etc. Why does anyone need these. Specific, and mind you expensive products to warm things up that either a) shouldn't be warmed up or b)can be warmed up in about a dozen other ways that are much more inexpensive and efficient. Warm water anyone? By the way, I'm fairly sure, that in all the diapers that I've changed I've never seem a baby smile with glee in reaction to a warm wipe touching their rear-end. Regardless of how warm the wipe is babies generally go through a stage where they don't like it. I probably wouldn't like it either.... Life goes on.
5. Baby food dispensing spoon. For the amazingly lazy. As though its so difficult to move the extra 5 inches to the jar of baby food once you have a spoon in your hand? This thing just seems to scream 'pain in the butt to clean' too. So why would I waste my time. Some of these products I just don't understand. Seriously, am I alone in my convictions about convenience gone awry?
4. Baby tethers. We've all seen them. Frequent sightings for viewing pleasure are abundant at the mall of America. These are those ridiculous straps parents put on their toddlers like backpacks, only they remain attached by some sort of tether, so you know, you could reel your child back in if they were too close to the escalator, were about to wander in the wrong gender bathroom, or lets not forget the real selling point, you can aimlessly forget about watching your child because they are never more than 25 feet away. I cringe when I see these things. Why doesn't someone put a tether on the parents first to see just how fantastic it feels? Other thoughts to consider? Similar items fall into the retractable leash category for DOGS. As in your four-legged friend who has no opposable thumbs or verbal capacity. Similar categories? I think not.
3. Nursing stool. What exactly is a nursing stool? I don't even know. I know that you are likely not to sit on a stool when nursing because that sounds absolutely uncomfortable. If you google this it looks like a step stool. In fact, I think it is a step stool with 50 extra dollars tacked on for the word nursing. I can't even figure out what this is supposed to do, so I'm moving on.
2. Long-range monitors. Who needs to go 800 feet away from your baby and leave him unattended?!?!? Thats more than an 1/8th of a mile. That is longer than your typical city block? Why on earth are you more than that far from your house, with your baby alone inside? Holy crap. Back to my comment about anyone being able to procreate.
1. The Baby Plus, prenatal education system. Now being an advocate for early childhood education you'd think I would be very excited to hear about the ways to connect and educate my baby, but this product is RIDICULOUS. Here's a quote from their website:
The BabyPlus curriculum is a series of 16 naturally derived sounds that resemble a mother's heartbeat. The rhythm of the sounds increases incrementally as the pregnancy progresses. The BabyPlus sonic pattern introduces your child to a sequential learning process, built upon the natural rhythms of their own environment.And, to top it off, when exactly do you start this curriculum? Anytime between 18 and 32 to week pregnant. Yep. This is for babies in the womb. There have even been clinical trials (which I bet are laden with misconceptions, inappropriate findings and correlations read as causation). This system preys on those women who are desperate to get ahead. Move over baby Einstein, you clearly aren't good enough anymore. If you want to get into an Ivy League school you should be using baby plus. To read more about this monstrosity see: www.babyplus.com. I could go on for hours about this curriculum but I'll refrain.
So, that's the end of our list, we hope you've enjoyed it. Baby Hollman is spending most of his time punching and kicking me on a regular basis, which we interpret as, "mom and dad, don't you dare invest in any one of these products. I'll be fine without them" and in our case we really think that baby knows best.
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6 comments:
Evidently you did not see the article on the front page of USA Today 2 weeks ago. It referenced a recently published study about the relationship between prenatal sonic stimulation i.e. BabyPlus and cognitive development in a prenatal child. I would welcome you to do at least "some" research before posting negative comments online. My neuroscience background from Purdue University has given me reason to be skeptical about anything I read. I researched the BabyPlus Prenatal Education System for use with my own children and would recommend it to anyone because I do understand the science behind the product.
Wow, you made somebody really upset! I was just going to tell you that the nursing stool (for me anyway) was much better than an ottoman for the rocker because of my back, the same reason people use those little stools under their desks I bet. You want to be as comfortable as you can given how much time you'll spend in that rocker. However, I will concede that it doesn't have to be a nursing stool, it could be any old thing to prop your feet on. It is overwhelming, isn't it? I just went into Babies R Us the other day and can't believe all of the new things that have come out in just 3 short years!
I am one of the moms who said "you know what I'll try it." For the price of a pair of name brand maternity jeans I bought possibilities. I used the BabyPlus Prenatal System with each of my kids and they have all three reached developmental milestones much faster than the other kids at their daycare. Even my pediatrician was impressed and then later used it with her baby. I probably would not compare better ability to sleep early and self-soothe to a crazy baby hair peice. Just 2 cents from a mom who knows.
Good lord, Alisha, who are these people who are taking your blog so seriously? They obviously don't know you and your dry sense of humor!
BTW, I'm a new mom, and I have no idea what a Snappi is. Guess Liam's doomed to failure.
Let me know if you want to come over this weekend to gather maternity wear--you're more than welcome!
Is the wipes warmer really necessary? No, but I think it's a loving gesture to wipe your precious baby's behind with a warm wipe opposed to a wet cold one. Just for fun, swipe a wet cold wipe over your "sensitive" parts and it's actually shocking at how cold it is! I use warm wipes on my baby now after feeling that cold sensation :) Don't knock it until you try it--very interesting and entertaining blog by the way
Hi, I'm a friend of Angie's and just wanted to tell you that my sister LOVES the "Hooter Hider!" She actually has a hand-made version that she was given as a gift, but it's basically the same thing -- an apron that is pretty much hiding things while you nurse. She is a new mom with a one month-old baby, and she just said she likes it because it can't fall off like a blanket can, and she can look down and see the baby while nursing to make sure everything's going all right without having to deal with poking her head under a blanket. Anyway, just wanted to share in case you end up getting one!
I do agree that Hooter Hider is a terrible brand name. :)
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