Hollman Hullabaloo

Dear Sweet Eden,

At 15 months, you continue to teach us so much about life. You are so wonderful and so new to us in so many ways, that you often keep me guessing and learning to accept what comes next.

At 15 months you still aren't talking much, which makes me worry. In fact I asked for a evaluation of your language skills to see if you can benefit from speech therapy to get you to talk. At 17 months they finished the evaluation and you did not yet qualify, but your words my dear, are limited. You use dada, up, and hi consistently, but thats about it. With prompting I can get something that sounds sort of like momma, papa and you make a consistent sound for sorry.

Your receptive language skills though are well above average, you shake your head for yes and no, sign, please, thank you, more and all done all the time and add expression with grunting, shoulder shrugs and whining noises to get your point across. For the most part you are content without words, which is so unfamiliar to me as we are a family that talks, a lot.

Your gross motor skills are off the charts- you climb the single rung ladder on the bunk beds easily, you run everywhere and you are a daredevil, jumping from one piece of furniture to the next all the time. These days I find you on the countertop in 2 seconds flat, quickly scaling the stools and getting to the top of the counter with a look of pride and a mischievous smile. You go up and down the stairs easily and have only really fallen once, a bit before 15 months. Since then you are careful to go down on your belly and take the stairs going up one at a time. We don't have any gates, so its always in your view and access. Fortunately you've accepted them as part of the topography of our house. When you are playing, everything is a stool- you stand on your riding dinosaur, and on the rocking horse, all with reckless abandon, making me fearful of a fall.

You adore your brothers, and they continue to adore you. You especially love running into Owen's room and heading right to the nightstand drawers to empty out all the small things that are too small for you. You quickly shovel them into your mouth, and as I say spit it out you turn and run until I catch you, when you finally willingly dispose of whatever small bead, toy or trinket you've found.

In your own space you are getting more particular about choosing clothes and like to take things from drawers and place them about the room. You are such a little helper, always wanting to help along with the vacuum, dusting or cleaning up spills.

At 15 months you started the transition to 1 nap, which was a little early for my taste, but you've taught us to adjust. Now you eat early, around 11, and then head for nap before 12 to take a 2 hour slumber. It works well for you and you are our sweet happy baby when you wake up. At night you You are a great sleeper once you are down. You don't need us to rock you for naps, but you still love to cuddle to sleep at bedtime.

You continue to be an adventurous eater. At 13 months we stopped nursing and about 3 weeks later all of the pumped milk was gone, leading to a transition to real food all the time. You took it all in stride and now enjoy whatever we are eating right alongside of us. Sometimes textures through you off and you continue to not like tomatoes and cucumbers, but for the most part will try anything once.Between 13 months and now you've had a wealth of new teeth, four molars, a couple of eye teeth, but you still don't have a full set. Your teeth are so slow to come in, but you don't seem to mind at all.

You also love water, both to drink and to play in. One of your favorite things to do at ECFE is play in the suds tubs and splash water. In the bath you've taken to laying on your belly and putting your face in the water slowly while you splash. Its fun to see your brave adventures.

Every morning you sit quietly in your crib and wait for me, which is such a amazing thing for me. I've never known a baby with such patience! You are content to be by yourself and do seem to enjoy quiet time in a way that I didn't experience with either of the boys.

You are teaching me about new ways to connect with you- I'm particularly fond of reading books but you still don't love them the way I do (or the boys do) which is hard for us, but we are learning to adjust. Sometime soon I hope you turn a corner and find the same joy in books that our family shares.

You are all the things I could imagine I'd want in a baby girl and yet you surprise me everyday. We love you so much, and we can't wait to see you continue to grow.

This year is our ten year anniversary. Its hard to think its been 10 years. I simultaneously think how did that go by so fast? And look at all that has happened in that time!

This year we will celebrate with a trip to St Lucia in January, but in the meantime, I wrote Drew this letter on our wedding day:

To my Hottie husband,

I don’t know why it is so difficult to capture time. Like sand sifting through my fingers, the more I hold on, the faster it seems to escape my grasp. It’s clear though that time is picking up its pace, hustling a little more, and I’m working harder to slow down, to savor the moment, to live right in it. It’s ironic though- I’m aware, we live in a time when all things point to rapid attention shifts, multi-tasking and making ten moments become one, instead of aligning with what I crave most: more time. Unfortunately for me, this means half-heartedly paying attention to anything in my set of 10, instead of fully attending to one, a trade I make reluctantly, but still do, nevertheless.

Days go on and I find myself regretfully wishing to put my phone down more, to increase my time in the moment with our kids, to smile when its not such a big deal, and give less attention to negative things. Its hard, I know. I keep trying. Fail 99 times, get up 100.

But here we are. Time sailed through and its ten years. Today, of all days deserves my undivided attention, and so for you, I’m writing. Pouring it all on paper so you can see with your eyes, briefly, but truly, inside my heart.

I remember that day like yesterday. I can reconstruct it easily- waking up all too early, at 6 am, long before I knew anything about how children teach you 6 am is not THAT early. Long before my days revolved around little smiles, hefty responsibility and big, wide, and deep love.

My mom took us to the salon so early because there was a lot of hair prep going on- 9 ladies all waiting for their turn. I recall giving Miranda bridal Barbie and laughing a lot in that small space. It was raining. It didn’t really bother me that it was raining. I wondered what you were doing.

I remember where I was when I opened the necklace you gave me. How sweet it was to see that pretty blue stone. I think about it every time I put it on still.

I remember heading to the church and getting ready, hiding in the basement, and really feeling my heart fill with excitement. Prior to that day I was confident about recalling my vows, but just a few minutes before going upstairs I was furiously recalling them worried I’d mess them up. Being excited overlapped with anxiety, and made me nervous.

I remember heading up the stairs to find my dad, already choking back tear and reminding myself to walk slowly and to take a minute to hang on to the moment. To make a mental picture I could draw on forever, as I came around the corner to enter the sanctuary. I did. I have that image. It’s easy to recall. I remember seeing you for the first time, and in that moment I was so happy. Now when I think about it I smile just as much, but I think about how young we were and how young you looked standing at that altar.

I remember saying our vows, and meaning every word of them. I recall trying to timidly stepping through each line, packing each one with as much emotion and love as I could. I remember the pastor messing up my name, I remember saying I will, I remember kissing you in a moment that marked the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I remember photos, and greetings, cake and not eating more than two bites of dinner because we were busy and excited and bursting with the future. I remember some of the steps to our first dance, listening to Kevin and Heather sing In Spite of Ourselves and loving each moment of celebrating our union.

I remember waking up to leave for Spain with a happy heart, filled with a new excitement for the adventure that lay ahead, as your wife.

Flash forward ten years, and I’m not certain I’d ever guess what our lives would look like. I know now that then I didn’t understand very well the deep swells that come with love. I didn’t see the braided strands that weave together happiness and joy, steadfast commitment, but hardship too, to form the fabric of our lives. I didn’t understand that there are seasons in life and that we pass through them with opportunities to learn more about ourselves and our relationship.

So today I reflect on what ten years has brought us and I think about what time has given me along the way. Ten years ago today we stood at that altar and took vows. I meant every word of those vows, and worked hard to compose them to get them just right, but I had no idea how now, 10 years later, they have more meaning to me than they ever could have meant in that moment in church.

When I said yes to you, up at Superior state park, I can admit now I wasn’t 100% sure. I was confident I loved you, but I had no idea what constituted the difference between saying yes and hesitating. I took a leap of faith assuming life would lead me in the right direction. I’m so thankful it did, and I’m incredibly more in love with you now than I was on that day. I knew that spending the rest of my life with you seemed exciting and that my heart beamed thinking of the rest of our days together, but there were also so many other things I did not know.

I didn’t know how truly marvelous you are. I didn’t know because time had yet to reveal it.

Ten years has helped me see so much in you that I didn’t see before. I love you now as I have never loved anyone in my life. The thought of losing you actually makes my chest tighten. When you left for Michigan holding all that I love in your hands, I held back anxious and fearful thoughts about what would happen if anything happened to you all on your travels. My love for you and our children runs deep. You four are in all the moments I live for.

When we married I didn’t know that I was capable of such intense love. I didn’t see how intertwined we would become and how sometimes I would lose sight of where you end and I begin. I didn’t know I would begin to crave your hugs as much as you crave touch. I know our connections vary and you flourish in touch, while I feel incredibly loved in acts of service, but over the years I find respite in your arms. I could bury myself in those moments.

Ten years ago I didn’t know the depth of your thoughtfulness. You care for me like no one I’ve ever known, clearly prioritizing my happiness. You don’t compete with me and you are so self-assured you give me much space to be the independent, loud, work-horse, opinionated, educated, woman I am. Ten years ago I didn’t know I was marrying an almost feminist. Now I see it in you as such a beacon to guide our children’s future.

I didn’t know what kind of parent you would become. I didn’t know that you would wear your dad badge with such pride and commitment and that giving you children would be one of the greatest gifts of our marriage. I didn’t know that parenting would make me see you through an entirely new light that surfaces all that is good in your heart and reminds me of the joy you carry from your own childhood to embed in theirs.

I didn’t know that I would be so thankful for our marriage. Over and over again I bear witness to other relationships that amaze me with their disrespect, dishonestly, and disconnection. I am always thankful that we are married. I am always thankful that I do not hesitate to tell you anything and that I feel safe and protected when I talk to you. I did not know how much I would value the serenity of the calm in our lives complemented with the crazy, when viewed from the inside, hand in hand with you. I can weather the storms outside because I know you are here inside with me.

I didn’t know how much I’d love your reflection of our mutual needs. I love getting to sleep in one day a weekend. I love that you honor my need to travel. I love that you recognize my success is at least in part due to staying active in thinking and learning at work, which means pushing harder and committing to bigger and bigger adventures. I love that you don’t complain about those things and recognize them as much of who I am.

I didn’t know how much being a team in life would be such a pillar in our happiness. That vulnerability and growth represent so much of what ties us together. Somedays I see you struggle and want to tag in, other days you see me fall and pick up the pieces. I couldn’t imagine how the balance we strike between the things we do as partners makes such a difference. There were moments in our marriage earlier on when I felt guilty that you were doing chores traditionally laid to my role as a wife. I don’t carry that guilt anymore. I love that you do the dishes and rock Eden to sleep, I love that we share parenting equally and that our kids don’t see either one of us as more dominant than the other. I love that when we hit our stride, we complement each other’s strengths and take on the things the other doesn’t enjoy as much.

I didn’t know I’d crave affection in ways I’d never needed it before. I love it when you kiss me. I love it when your hands are on me. I love it when those moments come between the smallest of tasks as a reminder. I brief glimpse into your heart. I didn’t understand that your touch would feel less like a hug and more like a tether to my heart.

I didn’t know that I’d cherish your workmanship and energy nearly as much as your personality. I had no way to see the amazing craft you’d put into our life, our home and our future. You don’t slow down often and I’m often reminded how crazy it is that you keep up with my crazy. I cherish our home and the energy you’ve put into it. The investment is more than just the work, but such an expression of love.

I didn’t know how much I would want to protect you. I’m on your team. In fact, I’m probably the coach. We people wrong you it makes my blood boil. When you tell me about crappy circumstances at work or in friendships I want to kick them in the face. Every time, without fail, I have to talk myself down to being a listener that helps you seeing the whole picture from every perspective instead of just directing my protective energy to their demise.

I couldn’t possibly foresee how much the moments we travel together would represent milestones in our relationship. I’ve always loved travel, but now its means so much more to me because I treasure the moments we get together away from all the other things in our lives.

So, over these ten years I’ve learned much and time has revealed so many qualities in you that I didn’t see before. You are all the most important parts of my life- a connection to my soul, my greatest love, my sounding board, my problem solving partner, my co-pilot, co-conspirator and favorite place. I adore you in ways I didn’t know were possible.

These past 10 years have easily been the best of my life, entirely because you were right there next to me. I wake up happy because I share a life with you. Thank you, today, and always for choosing me. These 10 years really did seem like no time at all has passed and while I’m not anxious for time to move on, I can’t wait to see what happiness is in store and what new things I learn about our relationship. I’m ready to head into the second decade of our lives. I’m not really sure where time will take us, but I can at least offer a beginning adventure on this leg of the journey.

All my love.