Eden at 18 months

One and a half years. Quite possibly my favorite age. The world is your oyster, sweet Eden. I adore seeing you explore it.

At 18 months the world is changing before your eyes- things are more attainable, more exciting, and more adventurous. This month you've moved on to booster seats only (thank-you-very-much!, no more high chair!), putting yourself to sleep now consistently at night without being rocked (which I already miss) and showing us so much of your compassion by taking care of your baby dolls. Its been so much fun to watch you blossom and I can't wait to see where we go next. You adore being outside and constantly want to get your coat and snow pants on to go outside. I'm glad we've shared our love of outdoors genes with you and that you enjoy it as much as the rest of us, even though you are rather toddly and seem to be overwhelmed by your big boots.


When eating you think you are so much bigger in the booster seat, and so happy to be right next to your brothers at the counter. We catch you climbing on the stools all the time and I'm constantly on alert you'll lose your balance and fall over.  You are so persistent about doing up the buckles in your booster seat and your independence is starting to shine, as you don't really want us to help you with it anymore.


Your language skills are slowly and steadily coming along. This month your words have about doubled- you now say: mama, dada, nana, papa, up (with a very quiet /p/), and make a ton of initial sounds you'll say /m/ for more, something that sort of sounds like sorry (R-ee!) and you say a sort of shuffled /d/ for down and are working on an approximation for Owen. Two weeks ago you started speech therapy through our insurance (that we are very thankful to have so you can receive services) and I'm appreciating that its working- the timing seems to be ripe for you, where you are more interested in expressive communication and we are working to use some of the extra strategies they suggest to support your language.

This month you've grown so much more independent- you can put your shoes on yourself and often sit yourself on the time out stair, not because you are in any type of trouble, but because you see your brothers do it. You adore flying high when your dad throws you up to the ceiling of the living room and you bravely ask for more over and over again.

You are still anxious not to let us go though when out of the house- you don't especially like separation time at ECFE and often cry while I'm away, but you are working to see that I always come back. At home, you are much more relaxed because you are always with someone you love dearly, me or daddy or candy.  You have lots of friends at ECFE and definitely enjoy seeing and playing with them each week. Its fun to see you interact with them (albeit without saying much!)

You continue to climb on everything and anything you can, and this month you've learned not to touch the Christmas tree, which has gone surprisingly well. You know though that you can smell it, and so when you are curious you walk up to it and bury your nose in a branch, which is adorable but not always effective. You also love the kissing ball, and know that to get to touch it you have to share a kiss with mom or dad, and its pretty darn adorable.


You are quite the helper, and you always want clean up, constantly pushing the mop or using a paper towel to wipe up messes. You love to put things in the garbage, but are less inclined to help with laundry where instead you want to put everything on, even if its far too large for you.

You've also grown interested in the potty this month, which was a surprise to us! But you've gone probably 4 or 5 times so far and that's been so exciting. We are so proud of you!

You sleep and eat so well.You'll try almost anything to eat and this past month have grown interested in boiled eggs. You especially love peas, and dairy (cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese), and any fruit. You are working hard in using your spoon, although most of it still ends up on your face. You love throwing your cup when you are done with it, so we are working on that.

You still don't love car rides, but you do love your carseat when its out of the car and you can sit in it and play with the buckle. Sometimes you'll whine the whole way home, but when we arrive and stop you don't want to get out of the seat. It's rather funny. You've also grown fond of many of your toys that play music (the plush pink pig and puppy, glow worm) because you adore music so much, we love to watch you dance, which you do all the time.

You really are something of a wonder. I adore the sparkle in your eyes and all that you've brought to our family. We are so thankful for you sweet, baby Eden. I'm lucky to be your momma.

love
Momma (and Daddy too).

the first trimester, for the last time

Its always been four.
Well, maybe five before I met Drew.
But after we married, its always been four.

And so, four is here.
With a bit of intervention, a bit of anticipation and even some anxiety, four is on its way.

I have all sorts of feelings about this pregnancy, some complex, some more pure in intention. I'm working to savor the moments that are so special, because they will never happen again. At the same time, this pregnancy has been rough, the morning sickness (all day and night nausea) was intense and unforgiving. It started on our last day in Maine, which was a bummer, because I'll only ever think of that trip now with a faint feeling of wanting to vomit in the back of my throat. I have nearly the same feeling about Disney world because that is where I started to get really sick with Eden too (although that has faded a bit). I've never been so intensely sick and overwhelmed with nausea. I could not really function. This is the first time for that level of disability. I've never seen my work slide as a function of pregnancy and this time it certainly did. This time I could barely keep my head above water. I'm so thankful for my colleagues who were supportive and helpful as I struggled through each day.

This intense nausea and sheer exhaustion has only recently loosened up to be more like an annoyance and less debilitating. But, I know greet overwhelming heartburn each day, so it seems like, one in, one out. The first trimester I spent so much time feeling horrible that I didn't find much space to appreciate any of it. I just wanted to clear the hurdle and be done with the sickness. I kept waiting for it, but 14 weeks later, its still not exactly better.

The things though was that I found a way to coexist with it, and toward the end of the first trimester I couldn't help but face up to all the other emotions stewing. I know that I should be hanging on to these moments, but I wanted nothing to do with all of the awful somatic symptoms. At the same time, miscarriage anxiety was running rampant, every doctor's appt was met with a pessimistic view that things might not be okay and each time I saw that little heartbeat I was relieved. That anxiety still grips me though.

At the same time, the time is flying by and I already wonder how all will get done, all the things at home, all the tasks for a new baby and all the work that is required in my job. I know it will get done, it always does, but that stress is foreboding. Bringing Eden into our lives was fairly easy, and we were certainly surprised by how lucky we were to adjust so well, but making sure all three of my children have all the things they need at the same time is sometimes a challenge between classes, music and speech for Eden, music lessons for the boys, Karate for Collin, boy scouts and other events we are constantly going, and of course, baby four will only add to the chaos.

All of this is compounded by thinking about post-partum depression. I was fortunate not to have it with Collin or Eden, but I certainly had it, and ignored it with Owen. Two babies, at that moment, one at 18 months and a newborn was more than I should have taken on alone, and now, with the circumstances ripe for a similar moment in our lives (Eden will be 2 when baby 4 is born) I worry again about that possibility and being more proactive about remedying it.

And so, all of these things come together. Moments of joy, like the day we were able to see the baby waving about during the first trimester screening ultrasound, with days that I wonder how on earth will we do this? Of course, it was all part of the plan, and if not anything else, I follow through with the thoughtful and intentional plans we've made in our lives. There are so many reasons we are excited and grateful for baby 4. At the same time, there are so many moments that make me flooded with anxiety about whats ahead, and together it makes for a complex set of feelings that leaves its mark on the first trimester.

As things get easier, I hope to watch these anxieties fade and gain new confidence in where we are headed, but i this moment, the first trimester, for the last time, is all the feelings, all at once.