Hawaii

There are days when I complain about my job. Soft funding really can be stressful, and the constant push to do more, do better is sometimes taxing. But beneath every moment of irritation, there is a deep and real commitment to what I do. In all honesty, I love my job. If I didn't have the work the continue to press on with, I would go stir crazy. I'm designed to keep thinking, to keep learning, to keep pushing the envelope.

Sometimes, I even have moments where my job loves me back. Like this one. This year we applied to and were accepted to the Society for the Scientific Study of Reading (SSSR). Its a smallish conference with big names, big thinking and always somewhere amazing. This was our first time there, and it really was the best of all worlds. Great intellectual thinking, amazing scenery and the perfect chance to learn and refocus on what's ahead.

My research team, including my two GRAs, traveled to the big Island. I've never been to any island in Hawaii, but I had heard the least about the big island. I wondered early on if we were getting this close to paradise, to only miss it. Boy was I wrong.

We stayed at the Hapuna Beach prince Resort hotel. It was amazing! The beach is the best I've ever been to, hands down. Amazing sand, beautiful ocean waters, warm swimming. Really perfect. The big island isn't all that big too- it took us about 7 hours to drive the perimeter. We took two days to adventure when we weren't conferencing. We drove through Hilo to volcano national park and hiked there one day- a 4 mile hike down through the volcano crater. It was beautiful, stunning really.

On another night we drove into Kona, which is the biggest city on the island and went snorkeling with Manta Rays. Manta Rays we learned are super gentle and don't have barbs or stingers. They are also massive- they can get up to 12 feet across. The like light because it draws in the plankton that they eat. Diving crews figured this out and created these rafts with bright lights that shine down in the ocean. The rays come up to the rafts to feed, and if you are lucky enough, they also come right up close next to you. We saw 12 rays, and many of them came within an inch of my nose. It was amazing.

We also traveled to Punalua beach, which is the black sand beach on the side of the island with the active volcano. The sand here is like coffee grounds. Its so interesting that its totally black and the water is so warm from the black sand absorbing the suns rays. Its also famous for the sea turtles. We saw a few here and literally ran into one at the hotel beach when we were learning how to body surf.

The trip was more than we could have hoped for, and so refreshing intellectually and physically. It was great to come back to work with a fresh start and to remember how much I love my job and how lucky I am to be able to do what I do!

10 weeks

Dear baby-

You, of my three viable pregnancies, are the first to really drag me down and out. It 10 weeks now, and you are kicking my butt. If there is a symptom on "first trimester side effects" list that I haven't had, I don't know what it is. So far, you've made my face look like a teenager, given me  more than morning sickness- more like all day naseousness, which is AWFUL. I can barely eat anything. The good news is that I don't crave anything sweet. You are a savory baby, I guess. You are also making my pants tight, already, and made my boobs as sore as humanly possible. Its a fun combination to put together. Most people I think look at me and think I might be dying of some awful illness that is contagious, and stay far, far away. I guess thats how I "glow" these day- ha ha.

On top of all of this I am exhausted. Like I require 12 hours of sleep exhaustion. The issue is, I need the sleep, but I feel even more nauseous when I wake up. So either I'm a zombie tired and not eating, or well rested, and feeling like I am going to puke. Again, fun times! These days if I take a nap it happens from 4:30-6 or so, then I go to bed around 10 and get up at 7:30. Thats right folks, I get 12 hours of sleep and still can't make it. Today I asked to sleep in and I woke up the latest I think I've every woken up- 9:45. SOOO late. That feels like half the day is gone!

Just the other day I was at an important business meeting that happened to occur in a restaurant over lunch. I was sitting with five other colleagues and we all ordered lunch. When I ordered the burger I asked for sounded good. It actually sounded delicious. When it arrived at the table I took one bite and thought immediately: STOP eating, You are going to puke on this table if you keep eating. I'm pretty sure they all thought I was so crazy, but I slowed my lunch to a three hour crawl. I ate about half of it, but not without intentionally convincing myself to not puke every bite. It was awful! Miserable!! Miserable! Miserable!

And so, so far it seems you are full of spunk on the inside. According to the midwives, your little heart is going wild- 174 beats per minute, and you are working your way around in there like a little fish, with newly formed arms and legs.

For now, I'm looking forward to the second trimester. We still haven't told anyone, and I'm looking forward to that too, all within just few weeks time. Instead of preventing myself from puking, I'm going to focus on the bright light ahead that is the second trimester!

love,
your momma

Rainbow babies

We always talked about a big family.
When I met Drew within an hour of our first conversation I asked him about kids.
I said I wanted 5.
He said he wasn't sure, maybe baby goats would be okay.
We settled at 4.
Happy wife, happy life, right?


Flash forward 8 years. (Its amazing to me that its been that long since we've been married, closer to 10 years from that conversation). Two beautiful boys later, a new house, lots of success around us. We were settling into our new digs and decided it was time to start trying for number three.

At first it went something like this:

We got pregnant so easy with the boys, lets not start until we're certain 9 months from now is ideal. Yes, thats a fantastic idea. I hope its a girl. Lets figure out what the world of research says about girls. Oh, it says that you should have sex before you ovulate because girl sperm live longer than boy sperm. Sounds like an easy plan. Hop to it.

Three months later it went something like this:
Whats going on? This is so weird. Were we just lucky to get pregnant so fast with the first two? I wonder if we should forget the girl plan and just try for the whole week. That must be it.

Six months into the adventure:
I've spent a stupid amount on pregnancy tests. This is frustrating and so depressing. It's a rollercoaster every month. The two week window is not my friend. Remember when we were planning for the "best" month to have a baby?! ha ha. That was funny stuff! A baby any time would be a blessing.

Seven months into trying:
Well, that doctors visit was not exciting. I'm apparently near "advanced maternal age" and my progesterone is very low. My doctor thinks I'm not ovulating. But what if I'm just ovulating late. Maybe we are just missing the right window?

Three weeks later: Holy shit. I'm pregnant!
Seven weeks after that: holy shit. I just had a miscarriage. Miscarriages tear your heart open. I had no idea how intense this would be. I can't do this over and over again.

Three months later: well, a round of Clomid and we're back to the two week window. I hate the waiting. I hate the anxiety. I'm not planning our life around this anymore. We have to have some sense of normalcy, I can't let the depression of loss run my life. Sigh. My heart hurts.

And then, a total of 1 year and 2 months after we started trying, Clomid looks like its done its work. My progesterone is up and this lovely message showed up on the test the day after my birthday:

At this point though I have a protected sense of being non-pregnant. In fact, I'm treating this first 10 weeks as though loss is imminent,  because I can't manage the heart break again. Its the residual shell left from the first time that makes me ignore all things pregnancy.  My chin is looking something like a 12 year old's and I puked at a restaurant for no apparent reasons a week or so ago, as the weeks continued I've been more nauseous than I've ever been in my life. I'm pretty sure I can't be any more tired, sore, or delerious. We'll see how things go.

Really though I feel something like this:

There's a fairly new label for babies that come after loss. They are called rainbow babies. I love this label. Its fitting, after you lose something intensely, and then find yourself with a precious gift, like a rainbow after a storm. Here's the classic photo flooding the interwebs- 10 women who've experienced loss and then months later, their rainbow of joy.

Fingers crossed for our own Rainbow baby.

The first day of school 2015

Early September marked Collin's 1st day of 1st grade and Owen's 1st day of 4 year old preschool. Collin was first, starting about a week and a half before Owen. Late in the summer we learned he would have Mrs. Aumundsen. We heard great things about her and had our fingers crossed it would start out as a great year.

1st grade seems so old to me. All of this independence and creative thinking. More responsibility and more honesty, compassion and problem solving. Collin has really turned into such a boy. I know I say that every year, but this year it seems so strong- his interest in all things dinosaurs continues, and he's still the most empathetic kid I've ever met. This summer he and Owen watched their 1st movie in the theaters, Inside Out, and it was nearly too scary for him (If you've seen inside out, its not scary, I think its rated G even!). He continues to be such a good friend, and I'm so proud of him for that. He is so genuine in his interactions with peers- I always here him say hello to nearly everyone he sees in the hall and always has a smile on his face.

As a first grade he's a serious reader. He reads with inflection, which is fun to listen to. He's also really enjoying math and figuring out that the world is made of geometric shapes, equations and algorithms, just waiting to be explored.

Its only October, but his writing skills have improved tremendously already, which I love. Collin has not really loved writing to this point, so to see his writing skills shape us is a joy for us.  My hopes and dreams for him this year stem around focus and attention, being able to redirect himself better. He's already improving leaps and bounds from Kindergarten and figuring out how to manage his attention better.

Owen started two weeks later, and was ready to see his buddies back at Children's Way. He really does love that place and the friends he's met there. This year he was very excited for Focus Fun, the all-day Monday CW affair where he'd get to spend quality time with his three best friends.

He wasn't exactly excited about his T/Th class because they take a short rest time, which is not his cup of tea. The first day he came home and the conversation went like this:

Me: How was the first day!?!?
Owen: We had to take a NAP!!!! (scowl)
Me: You did. I don't think they do naps at your school though?
Owen: And I couldn't even look at a book! Not even one!
Me: Are you sure? Can we ask your teacher on Tuesday?
Owen: Yes momma! Talk to them! Not even a single book!!!

The next day we went into class and asked the teacher, she reported they have 15  minutes of quiet time and they get to look at books, but didn't get to the first day as they were establishing a routine.

After that first week of getting used to the new school, he was liking it again, and even found out that a friend from last year's class also is in the class, so he's got a buddy to play with.

Its amazing see them head off to their own classrooms this year as independent guys, and Owen really shines in how he picks up new information. At 4 he just finished the teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons and is into level 1 books, he can count to 50 or so, and is a social butterfly. He is compassionate and caring at school, follows the rules, and basically does all the things he hates to do at home. He's the child in our family that shows one side to us and another side to his teachers and such. He's so full of energy and passionate about his preferences and opinions. He hates terribly to feel as though someone has wronged him and lets the world know about it. I love that he carries so much passion in his heart though- one day that will turn in a dedication to his favorite things that we'll appreciate.