Spring Balance

The past two months have been a whirlwind of activity in our lives and we've been desperately trying to keep up. Blogging has taken a back seat as we try to make it through each day with a smile and sense of gratitude. Finally, after a few months of crazy, I feel like things are settling into a happy pattern where I get to focus on my family during the weeknights and weekends and work during the week days with a nice dark line drawn between the two. From January through the end of February this wasn't the case, as I was burning the candle on both ends, working once the kids went to sleep and then getting right back to it early the next morning in the office, trying to squeeze family activities and time with my boys among the chaos. Mostly thinking all the while that I was missing out on something important with the boys.

 Today, quite literally, was a breath of fresh air. Instead of treading water, I feel like I'm finally making ground on some tasks at home and leaving work in the background. Inhale. Exhale.

 

 It was nearly 70 unseasonable degrees here in the land of the frozen tundra. I can barely believe it. March 11th?!? Who knew. The boys were anxious for the season and it seemed as though Collin had a meeting of the minds with mother nature, as he too was FULL of energy today. So, outside we went for as long as possible to burn off energy, enjoy the sunshine and play in the mud puddles that spattered the lawn from the melting snow. While Drew entertained the boys outside I was able to get some cooking, cleaning and alleviate the clutter in our house and in my brain.

 So, what exactly has been taking up my time these days?, as I miss out on opportunities to blog? Well, remember in 2010 when I was pregnant with Owen and I decided to make a quilt? I'm STILL working on it! This poor kid is going to finally get his quilt when he gets on the bus to Kindergarten. Why is it taking me so long you ask? Well, it would have been a whole lot easier if I didn't decide that my very first quilt would be a hexagon quilt. Did you know that hexagon quilts are super impossible for newbie quilters? Its true. Thats why most people hand stitch hexagon quilts-- they are super hard to sew. Maybe I should have done my research first, but here I am, with lots and lots of hexagons and slow slow skills in sewing them into a quilt. But, I've resolved to finish it this year, so I keep on (and on, and on, and on....) and its replacing my after-hours working duties. When the boys go to bed, I carve out time to start sewing (Maybe in a later post I'll actually let you see the catastrophe I've made!). Up next on my list are the many Blurb books that are queuing up to capture the many memories these boys bring to our life, and topping that list is Owen's first year book. I'm way behind on this task. Like WAY WAY behind. Since Owen turned one, oh, say almost three months ago. There are half a dozen other books in that line too, but hopefully, they too will all get created this year.

 At the same time I'm trying really hard to just spend more time with the boys. My second baby guilt rides my conscience and I'm in a constant state of anxiety for Owen's development. Mostly I think that I haven't spent enough time with him and so he'll suffer. Its probably not true, but if it isn't he sure likes to torture me. For example, Owen still isn't walking. He's 14 months now and really refuses to walk. I think he could probably do it if he wasn't so stubborn and resistant when we stand him on his little feet. As soon as we stand him up and try to back away so he'll walk he dead weights and sits down, then takes off crawling at lightening pace. Its probably just my lovely genetic influence-- instilling massive stubborn genes in my son, but I wince thinking **maybe** its because we baby him too much, or because I don't get to devote as much time to him as I would like to. At the same time, Owen doesn't like to talk as much as Collin did at this age. He has a few words- "momma", "daddy", "uh oh", sometimes "up", but mostly resorts to his stubborn whine.

It goes something like this Owen: I want more food! What we hear: Shriek, whine, yell yell. Owen: I want you to pick me up! What we hear: whine, whine, whine. Owen: I'm done with this toy (crawls away). What we hear: toy drop, pad pad pad (speed crawl to new toy).

It is possible that we still baby him a bit too much. I find myself admittedly carrying him often. I don't force him to say things. I'm an awful parent. Really. I'm trying to get better. Particularly I'm trying to put him down often instead of just carrying him around, and forcing him to do simple tasks (e.g. touch your nose) by not giving in until he does it, or to use a sign or word.

**TRYING** is the key word here though. Our life is busy, and I want so badly to focus on Owen's development, but I'm sure my effort is dismal compared to what he really deserves and then I find myself back in my guilt sandwich. Ugh.

 At 15 months I'll update on what Owen's up to. Maybe it will be super surprising. Maybe I'll still be babying him too much, but I sure hope not. This kid is giving me a "awful momma" ulcer.

But, this post is about the cobwebs clearing away and the stress fading to a dull background salute. With spring in our palms I hope that the boys take every minute they can to suck up the amazing outdoors and learn some new words and how to walk along the way (maybe, tomorrow or so?-- A momma can dream too you know).

Spring teaser

Its something like 70 here in Minnesota and its the middle of March. We were ripe for the picking though and ran to the backyard like the house was on fire as soon as it was nice enough to go out. So, a few moments after Owen's afternoon nap we plucked him from the crib and took him out the into the fabulous fresh air. Here's a little video of what ensued. Owen looks a little dazed and confused (maybe he was still a little bit sleepy) but both boys took in the spring air, the warm weather and the play house, swing set and tractor like they'd missed them for a whole year. Oh wait. It nearly was a whole year (okay, okay, maybe we did have a brief summer last year, but still, warm weather hasn't been here in SOOOO long it feels like a year). Anyway. Happy Spring!

Sick.

We're almost three years into this gig and I'd like to think we're at least sort of getting the hang of it. I'm at least hoping that we'll be able to say that we were competent before we lapse into the world of childhood that exists on beyond my expertise (you know, the land of 6 and up...) and for the most part, so far, I think we're on track. Even though parenting is peppered with complaints and struggles, for the most part its incredibly rewarding. We love our kids and we've been blessed with boys who are incredibly sweet and endearing. Yet, as a parent I really don't know how to describe how hard it is for me when my boys are sick. I've never in my life felt that kind of helplessness. Its rather strange, because I wasn't exactly alarmed by it because I knew that they'd get better, but I think my heart really, physically ached for two weeks.

This winter, since Owen's been One, we've been dealing with back to back illnesses. Colds, flu-like stuff, coughs, runny noses. Its really been awful. I just want to open the windows and air out my whole house, but they're sealed for the winter, and as a result, the miserable air is trapped inside with the four of us. Like a hotbox of germs.

First we had a bout of what we thought was a stomach-flu like bug. Collin was throwing up and soon after Owen was sick. Almost two weeks into it, with both boys running fevers, being inconsolable, not sleeping at all we found out poor Owen had a double ear infection, a cold and was teething, and Collin was wandering through his days with a miserable cold, very little to no sleep and an amazing ability to constantly whine, " I don't feel very well (said in the most sad pouty voice you can muster)."

After the first week I thought for sure that each day they would begin to get better and after consoling and holding both boys nearly constantly, I'm pretty sure I just about lost my mind because they didn't. Really, it was this conflicting emotional roller coaster where my heart was breaking every single day for them but I was losing my sense of sympathy at the same time. I hope that doesn't sound too awful. I just had such a hard time hearing those whines, the reluctance to allow anything to go on but to sit and listen to the whines and the companion misery. Oh, the constant, constant, whines. Gasp.

Drew and I were home, alternating who stayed and played nurse while the other put in a few hours at work, trying desperately to get them to be better. It was like a long long long episode of the twilight zone. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like an alternate reality where the rest of life just stops. Our house moves into this strange purgatory of germs.

After almost three weeks we were nearly germ free. I was excited and exhausted. I really think my heart broke every single day that I woke up and found Collin again saying "I don't feel very well...sniffle, sniffle, tears.", followed immediately by "hold me! pweease(tears, tears, crying)." During those three week Owen was incredibly cuddly. He never ever has fallen asleep cuddled on my shoulder and for those two weeks, everyday he just wanted me to hold him and cuddle him to sleep. It was terribly depressing. At the same time, because Collin was sick he wanted to be held too, making everyday a battle of the wills. I could barely keep it together as Collin cried, sobbed for me to hold him, while Owen was asleep on my chest. I can't even tell you how my heart broke and crumbled. There aren't any words.

So, when they were better, I felt like the fog finally lifted and I was counting my blessings. During the second year of Collin's life- up until he turned two, he got sick one time. So I figured that this one time was my due diligence for at least the next year. We were in the clear. Hallelujah!

But, a week and a half later, Collin was sick again. Deja Vu. So so so miserable and I really didn't know what to do. We took him to the doctor earlier this time to be sure we weren't dealing with another ear infection (after a few days of high fevers), but no infection was found and so we were sent home to grin and bear it. It was like a little sentence back to purgatory. Ish.

Collin took another week and three days to get better. Another week and three days of "hold me", "I don't feel very well!" and constant whining. I didn't know what to do for him. Night after night of getting up, multiple times, crying, wanting to be held and rocked and hugged. It was painful to endure.

Then we were near the end of February, things were finally clearing up a bit-- but Owen awoke two days latter with a runny nose. I couldn't believe it. Two whole months of sickness. Here we are. Its March, and Owen is still congested, but I thank my lucky stars that he's not down and out with a cold or flu.

And I didn't even mention in this post that I got sick too along the way.

As a momma this is the hardest thing that I've had to try to figure out. I felt like in so many ways I was along for the ride. I couldn't do anything to make them feel better and so many days my patience was thin. I realize it shouldn't have been, that I should have had an everlasting wealth of empathy. I was exhaused and not practicing my best momma skills. But, the problem for me is that I don't know any better way to handle it next time, and that makes me feel defeated.

Its when your kids are sick that you want to be able to give them the most. To hold them, to hug them, to wipe away their tears. I feel like I can do that most of the time, but I can't do it all the time and it breaks my heart to know I can't fix it for Collin and Owen when they are sick. That sense of helplessness is sickening, and so I find myself right back where I started.

Sick about being sick.

Ugh.