This year we will celebrate with a trip to St Lucia in January, but in the meantime, I wrote Drew this letter on our wedding day:
To my Hottie husband,
I don’t know why it is so difficult to capture time. Like
sand sifting through my fingers, the more I hold on, the faster it seems to
escape my grasp. It’s clear though that time is picking up its pace, hustling a
little more, and I’m working harder to slow down, to savor the moment, to live
right in it. It’s ironic though- I’m aware, we live in a time when all things
point to rapid attention shifts, multi-tasking and making ten moments become
one, instead of aligning with what I crave most: more time. Unfortunately for
me, this means half-heartedly paying attention to anything in my set of 10,
instead of fully attending to one, a trade I make reluctantly, but still do,
nevertheless.
Days go on and I find myself regretfully wishing to put my
phone down more, to increase my time in the moment with our kids, to smile when
its not such a big deal, and give less attention to negative things. Its hard,
I know. I keep trying. Fail 99 times, get up 100.
But here we are. Time sailed through and its ten years.
Today, of all days deserves my undivided attention, and so for you, I’m
writing. Pouring it all on paper so you can see with your eyes, briefly, but
truly, inside my heart.
I remember that day like yesterday. I can reconstruct it
easily- waking up all too early, at 6 am, long before I knew anything about how
children teach you 6 am is not THAT early. Long before my days revolved around
little smiles, hefty responsibility and big, wide, and deep love.
My mom took us to the salon so early because there was a lot
of hair prep going on- 9 ladies all waiting for their turn. I recall giving
Miranda bridal Barbie and laughing a lot in that small space. It was raining.
It didn’t really bother me that it was raining. I wondered what you were doing.
I remember where I was when I opened the necklace you gave
me. How sweet it was to see that pretty blue stone. I think about it every time
I put it on still.
I remember heading to the church and getting ready, hiding in
the basement, and really feeling my heart fill with excitement. Prior to that
day I was confident about recalling my vows, but just a few minutes before
going upstairs I was furiously recalling them worried I’d mess them up. Being
excited overlapped with anxiety, and made me nervous.
I remember heading up the stairs to find my dad, already
choking back tear and reminding myself to walk slowly and to take a minute to
hang on to the moment. To make a mental picture I could draw on forever, as I
came around the corner to enter the sanctuary. I did. I have that image. It’s
easy to recall. I remember seeing you for the first time, and in that moment I
was so happy. Now when I think about it I smile just as much, but I think about
how young we were and how young you looked standing at that altar.
I remember saying our vows, and meaning every word of them. I
recall trying to timidly stepping through each line, packing each one with as
much emotion and love as I could. I remember the pastor messing up my name, I
remember saying I will, I remember kissing you in a moment that marked the
beginning of the rest of our lives.
I remember photos, and greetings, cake and not eating more
than two bites of dinner because we were busy and excited and bursting with the
future. I remember some of the steps to our first dance, listening to Kevin and
Heather sing In Spite of Ourselves and loving each moment of celebrating our
union.
I remember waking up to leave for Spain with a happy heart,
filled with a new excitement for the adventure that lay ahead, as your wife.
Flash forward ten years, and I’m not certain I’d ever guess
what our lives would look like. I know now that then I didn’t understand very well
the deep swells that come with love. I didn’t see the braided strands that
weave together happiness and joy, steadfast commitment, but hardship too, to
form the fabric of our lives. I didn’t understand that there are seasons in
life and that we pass through them with opportunities to learn more about
ourselves and our relationship.
So today I reflect on what ten years has brought us and I
think about what time has given me along the way. Ten years ago today we stood
at that altar and took vows. I meant every word of those vows, and worked hard
to compose them to get them just right, but I had no idea how now, 10 years
later, they have more meaning to me than they ever could have meant in that
moment in church.
When I said yes to you, up at Superior state park, I can
admit now I wasn’t 100% sure. I was confident I loved you, but I had no idea
what constituted the difference between saying yes and hesitating. I took a
leap of faith assuming life would lead me in the right direction. I’m so
thankful it did, and I’m incredibly more in love with you now than I was on
that day. I knew that spending the rest of my life with you seemed exciting and
that my heart beamed thinking of the rest of our days together, but there were
also so many other things I did not know.
I didn’t know how truly marvelous you are. I didn’t know
because time had yet to reveal it.
Ten years has helped me see so much in you that I didn’t see
before. I love you now as I have never loved anyone in my life. The thought of
losing you actually makes my chest tighten. When you left for Michigan holding
all that I love in your hands, I held back anxious and fearful thoughts about
what would happen if anything happened to you all on your travels. My love for
you and our children runs deep. You four are in all the moments I live for.
When we married I didn’t know that I was capable of such
intense love. I didn’t see how intertwined we would become and how sometimes I
would lose sight of where you end and I begin. I didn’t know I would begin to
crave your hugs as much as you crave touch. I know our connections vary and you
flourish in touch, while I feel incredibly loved in acts of service, but over
the years I find respite in your arms. I could bury myself in those moments.
Ten
years ago I didn’t know the depth of your thoughtfulness. You care for me like
no one I’ve ever known, clearly prioritizing my happiness. You don’t compete
with me and you are so self-assured you give me much space to be the
independent, loud, work-horse, opinionated, educated, woman I am. Ten years ago
I didn’t know I was marrying an almost feminist. Now I see it in you as such a
beacon to guide our children’s future.
I
didn’t know what kind of parent you would become. I didn’t know that you would
wear your dad badge with such pride and commitment and that giving you children
would be one of the greatest gifts of our marriage. I didn’t know that
parenting would make me see you through an entirely new light that surfaces all
that is good in your heart and reminds me of the joy you carry from your own
childhood to embed in theirs.
I
didn’t know that I would be so thankful for our marriage. Over and over again I
bear witness to other relationships that amaze me with their disrespect,
dishonestly, and disconnection. I am always thankful that we are married. I am
always thankful that I do not hesitate to tell you anything and that I feel
safe and protected when I talk to you. I did not know how much I would value
the serenity of the calm in our lives complemented with the crazy, when viewed
from the inside, hand in hand with you. I can weather the storms outside because
I know you are here inside with me.
I
didn’t know how much I’d love your reflection of our mutual needs. I love
getting to sleep in one day a weekend. I love that you honor my need to travel.
I love that you recognize my success is at least in part due to staying active
in thinking and learning at work, which means pushing harder and committing to
bigger and bigger adventures. I love that you don’t complain about those things
and recognize them as much of who I am.
I didn’t know how much being a team in life would be such a pillar in our happiness. That vulnerability and growth represent so much of what ties us together. Somedays I see you struggle and want to tag in, other days you see me fall and pick up the pieces. I couldn’t imagine how the balance we strike between the things we do as partners makes such a difference. There were moments in our marriage earlier on when I felt guilty that you were doing chores traditionally laid to my role as a wife. I don’t carry that guilt anymore. I love that you do the dishes and rock Eden to sleep, I love that we share parenting equally and that our kids don’t see either one of us as more dominant than the other. I love that when we hit our stride, we complement each other’s strengths and take on the things the other doesn’t enjoy as much.
I
didn’t know I’d crave affection in ways I’d never needed it before. I love it
when you kiss me. I love it when your hands are on me. I love it when those
moments come between the smallest of tasks as a reminder. I brief glimpse into
your heart. I didn’t understand that your touch would feel less like a hug and
more like a tether to my heart.
I
didn’t know that I’d cherish your workmanship and energy nearly as much as your
personality. I had no way to see the amazing craft you’d put into our life, our
home and our future. You don’t slow down often and I’m often reminded how crazy
it is that you keep up with my crazy. I cherish our home and the energy you’ve
put into it. The investment is more than just the work, but such an expression
of love.
I
didn’t know how much I would want to protect you. I’m on your team. In fact,
I’m probably the coach. We people wrong you it makes my blood boil. When you
tell me about crappy circumstances at work or in friendships I want to kick
them in the face. Every time, without fail, I have to talk myself down to being
a listener that helps you seeing the whole picture from every perspective
instead of just directing my protective energy to their demise.
I
couldn’t possibly foresee how much the moments we travel together would
represent milestones in our relationship. I’ve always loved travel, but now its
means so much more to me because I treasure the moments we get together away
from all the other things in our lives.
So,
over these ten years I’ve learned much and time has revealed so many qualities
in you that I didn’t see before. You are all the most important parts of my
life- a connection to my soul, my greatest love, my sounding board, my problem
solving partner, my co-pilot, co-conspirator and favorite place. I adore you in
ways I didn’t know were possible.
These
past 10 years have easily been the best of my life, entirely because you were
right there next to me. I wake up happy because I share a life with you. Thank
you, today, and always for choosing me. These 10 years really did seem like no
time at all has passed and while I’m not anxious for time to move on, I can’t
wait to see what happiness is in store and what new things I learn about our
relationship. I’m ready to head into the second decade of our lives. I’m not
really sure where time will take us, but I can at least offer a beginning
adventure on this leg of the journey.
All
my love.
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